It s raining. I m happy.

I took my last two finals for this semester yesterday. I probably made less than a 50 on my calculus final, and I probably made in the 60s on my physics final. I studied as much as I could have for them, but I was still inadequate. This semester is over.

The first part of this semester was the least enjoyable time of my life. I had never made anything besides a B, and all of a sudden I was failing calculus tests and making C s on physics tests. I couldn t really handle how much better than me everyone was academically. I had always been the best. These were subjects that I thought I loved, but those classes made me think I hated them. I felt like I was terrible at everything and my whole life had been inaccurately causing me to believe that I was smart. I studied as much as I possibly could for physics tests, and I still couldn t do better than a 74. I memorized everything, I went over old tests, I read the book, I worked in groups, I went to office hours, I devoted all of my time to academics, and I still failed every calculus test.

That was the most discouraging thing that has ever happened to me. I switched out of engineering. I dropped all of my honors classes for next semester besides chemistry.

Towards the end of the semester, I started realizing how much I like Morgan and I spent more time with her outside of schoolwork. She helps make college not so bad. I still did terrible at everything, but at least I really liked my girlfriend.

Now that those classes are over, I feel like I can try to get back to normal. It s raining right now. I m just sitting in my dorm. Morgan just went home. I m about to pack my stuff and go pick up Ashley from school.

My dorm feels like my home. I feel like I m about to go somewhere strange for the next few weeks. I ve done so much homework in this room. I ve spent so much time in here. Morgan has been here so many times. Troy and I watched Heroes every Monday. I used to take naps everyday when I thought my life was terrible. I tried to put lots of pictures all over the walls. I vacuumed twice and then let it get disgusting. It was really hot in here for a couple weeks at the beginning of November. I m going to miss being here, I m going to miss Morgan, and I m going to miss going to the cafeteria and getting little pizzas for the next few weeks.

I feel like I m overestimating how long I m going to be gone; it s just three weeks. This semester has just been so intense that it makes me feel like I ve been here for years and leaving for three weeks is like leaving forever.

Remember how bad those paper physics problems were? Remember sitting on Morgan s futon not knowing how to do anything? Remember being completely dependent on other people for how to do everything? Remember having your academic confidence completely broken? Remember working on that car project for over ten hours and then watching it go about four feet and bounce back? Remember just copying Morgan s homework most of the time because you couldn t even figure out how to start it yourself? Remember waking up at 8 sometimes and then doing academics until 3 or 4 in the morning? Remember crying about it at home in your bed? Remember how some people said that honors physics was "a joke" but you thought it was the hardest thing you d ever done? Remember how bad this semester was? Don t belittle.