loveWell.. Im back again :) I guess there is loads of things i could talk about considering i haven't updated in like 2 years or something like that. But I don't really want to spend most of my update moaning about the bad stuff and I don't really think i have many good times to talk about.. So I think i'll just talk about my life in general. Not that many people want to know probably lol, but I suppose it's a good way of reflecting on my life. Well I'm no longer at school. overall i did pretty good with my exams although i fucked about way too much than i should have but that's trial and error i guess. Oh, and also im just finishing my childcare course at Barnsley college.. it's fucking shit honestly. Wish i never went there, but i met a brillant friend out of it so it's not all bad. Thats another thing, all my old friends i don't really see anymore. On the odd occasion i do because its nice to be back with them and see what they are doing after 2 years of not spending every day with them like i did wen i was at school. Sometimes I kinda wish i was the person i was 2 years ago. Then sometimes I dont. I dont really know to be honest i guess i was always out with friends being crazy and spontaneous and now it's more.. quiet lol. Not a bad quiet.. Just quiet. Sometimes I just like to be at home with my girlfriend (Yes that's right i said girlfriend) and just watch tv and talk but other times i just like to go completely crazy and be free and just me and I don't really have much time to be like that anymore.. My life seems to revolve around Kasy, arguing, college, exams, assignments, placements, family and this computer of mine. It's not a bad thing i know, im very blessed just sometimes i'd like to be more out there and experiencing things I should at my age. Although i guess i kinda experienced that already though lol. I get my results back from college in a month or so and then i really am free but not for long. Im already applying for jobs :| Just feels like my life is moving waaay to fast for me and im just waiting to catch up. Im sure i will. I hope i will... I've had some real trouble with my girlfriend over the past two years also. I know she loves me.. it's just she really doesn't show it with the things she does and it hurts me. She cheated on me about 3 times now. I don't really understand the reasoning in it and im not sure whether i want to really know. Lying, thats another thing she feels the need to do yet she says she still cares and loves me. I don't know what to do. And I know you probably think I've done it to her and maybe she thinks that.. But i haven't :/ i never could... Not to her... She really is my life and this is just something i have to cope with if i really wanna be with her. I really wish i didn't have to though. Also it was with my friend twice and some guy another time.. when i thought she was gay :/.. It's weird you know.. shes laying there right now and when i look at her i dont see the sort of person that could do that to me.. But i know she has and it just kills me. Im expecting it to happen again whether it happens or not is another thing. I just wanna protect her from all the evil things in this fucked up world and I wanna make her happy but it's hard when she does those things to me.. Maybe it's her way of saying i should just go? I really don't know.. I don't really understand her and thats such a really sad thing to say.. :( Do you how hard it is to devote yourself to someone when all your expecting from them is just more heartbreak? It's like im getting myself prepared and i hate myself for doing that because when we are together most the time it's great but it's when im away i just cant trust her 100% fully... I mean it's not like nothing ever changed when she did it.. I always loved her and she never even changed or acted different i would never have been able to guess what she secretly was doing.to me. I guess im a very tolerate person, but the truth is i couldnt cope without her...and i don't think she would either. It's a lose lose situation i guess. It's like when im there she just completely unappreciates me and the lies just tumble out of her mouth just as easy as when she says she loves me. And i give her some like stability so she can just fuck things up and have her fun cos she knows i wouldn't really go. But if I did go.. I'm scared for her safety and her future.. I know she doesnt have it easy but doesn't mean she should hurt me like she does. Enough about that... My 18th birthday soon. Not quite sure what im going to do about it but it's gotta be big and outrageous i think but also moderate at the same time dont ask me how i intend to do that though heh. Well im gunna go get some breakfast and clean up and i'll post an update later on.. so i guess its hello again mindsay.
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