Behold the perils of the tainted heart, for the truth of the Pearl lies within the deceitful mind of the Angelic Messenger,

Forgetting the whispers of honesty's sake, verbalizing from the soul, the whole story of emotional passage,

Aspiring to close the gap between the feuding friends and end the coldness of the ardent force,

For without Honesty there is nothing, but the falsehoods of forked tongued individuals destroying the Harmony of Life,

Looking deep within, pulling the knowledge from the depths and finally acknowledging the Individuality of Infinite Friendship.

I just wrote that. It fits the situation and the real purpose of this blog entry.

Which would you rather have: Truth or Deception? That is the question I pose to you. I want the truth and I do mean the truth. I don't harbor any illusions about myself as a person, I know the mistakes I've made, I know where I am going, I know what I have to do to get where I need to be. I don't want sugar-coated lies that hurt rather than help or the sweetness of deceitful tongues that enable instead of push forward. I know I'm not the best person in the world and I can say things that other people might view as objectionable or distasteful.

I was recently in a situation that has plagued many women over the years, the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy. I am thankful that I wasn't pregnant afterall but during my crisis, some friends of mine weren't so compassionate to my emotional state. I was being baggered and pressured to be happy about a situation that was not conducive to my current circumstances. I told my friends that if I was pregnant I would put the child up for adoption. In my mind, that was the best thing for the child, but of course that wasn't what other people wanted to hear.

They pushed and pressured me (they tried to at least) into saying I was going to raise it (if I had been in fact pregnant). I told them no, the best thing for the child would be adoption (my mom said she would adopt her own grandchild and I had no problem with that). I'm not in a situation to care for a child. I still live with my Grandmother, I don't have a job, I'm currently in school and I have debt that needs to be paid off (student loans). That is no environment to be raising a child, besides that my Grandmother told me if I ever got pregnant while I was staying with her, she would put me out. I'm sure you noticed by now that I haven't mention anything about the would-be father. Well, he has two kids already both of them eight years old (they're five months apart) by two different women. Although he pays child support for both of them and spends time with them when he can, there is no way he wants another child right now. He works two jobs and lives with his mom, sisters and one year old niece. Most of his money goes to child support.

Besides that he and I aren't dating. We're not in a "conventional" relationship. For the most part, he and I are friends. We met two years ago when I was in school for massage therapy(he started the program after I did). We were and still are friends but raising a child in that kind of relationship (no security whatsoever) is not in my plans. So again I am truly thankful that I am not pregnant. By the way, he's happy too. I made a promise to myself and God not the let that happen again. I will not find myself in that situation again. Not as long as I can help it, not as long as I have my wits about me. So, I've taken a vow of chastity/abstinence/celibacy (whatever you want to call it). I don't want another scare like that as long as I live.

As I was discussing this with my best friend (she's married with two beautiful little boys) she kept trying to push me to be happy about the prospect. Needless to say I wasn't happy at all. So she kept pushing me and pressuring me until I went off on her. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of being bullied and pressured to be excited and happy about raising a child on my own with no help whatsoever from anyone. I was not going to be happy about something like that and she needed to understand that. I understand that she was coming from the perspective of a mother, but I had to keep reminding her that she was married and I'm not. She's married to the father of her children and I'm not even dating the would be father of my possible baby. Our situations are different and she wasn't trying to let me have my own opinion. So we argued and now she's not talking to me.

She's not talking to me simply because I told her the truth. I told her I would give my (maybe) baby up for adoption and try not to think to about it. I told her if I thought about it, it would drive me crazy with worry, with wondering what's happening and so on and so forth. I told her I didn't want to be like that, so I would try to put it out of my mind and know that my (maybe) baby was being cared for by people who would give it a good life. She doesn't believe in adoption so she was trying to get me to be like her. To believe what she believes and be happy that I might've been a single mother with no home, no job and a newborn. I ask you: what kind of life is that for a raising a child? What would be better, being homeless with a newborn and having the state take away the baby or giving it up for adoption? In situations like these there are no definitive answers that will please everyone, but the bottom line is what's the best thing for the child. That's what no one was thinking about but me, I know I'm not in a position to start a family. I'm not working, I don't have my own place and I'm not with the father (and he was offering no help whatsoever), I would be on my own with a baby and nowhere to go. I would have had to quit school and try to find a job and a place long before I would have given birth. Not impossible but I didn't want to do it. It's just that plain and simple, I didn't want to do it.

I came back to school so I can have a better life, so I can eventually move out on my own. So I can take care of myself. Find a good man to share my life with and maybe start a family, but right now that isn't going to happen. I thank god that I'm not pregnant. I thank god for opening my eyes to the truth of things and people. I know now that I don't have any friends, I only have myself. Hmm. What a lonely existence my life is turning out to be. Not by choice but by disagreements on how to best handle any situation that comes along. Sorry this entry is so long, but I had to get it all off my chest.

~Later~