This past week has been full of tears, heartache, pain and second chances. Rob and I had finally come to heads with the negativity that is in our relationship. I told him that I would move out. I just didn't care anymore. I told him that I loved him, but I would rather be happy and alone than miserable with him. I am too old for chaos. I am not interested in chaos. I havn't been writing my songs, I am depressed (not suicidal), I don't sleep well anymore...I am always sick...stressed out, and so forth. I can not stand pointless innecessant yelling. Lots of yelling. No name calling or anything like that, but like he is always mad...just every time he was slightly irritated. He told me that he didn't like his zoloft...he said that it made him feel suicidal, and that is why he didn't want to take it anymore. I told him, that this is something he should have told me a long time ago...and his doctor. I don't want to live in an environment like that. So, I finally said it...fine, you can have everything...I will move out. I will let you know when I know. He started to cry, and said, I love you...I don't want you to go...I just want you to want me back. I told him that I can't be with someone if yelling is all they know how to do. That is not communication...that is conversation dominance. I told him that I was tired of not being heard... he said that he hears what I tell him... I said, you may hear it, but you don't listen...if you were listening...we would not be in this position. I told him, that I am tired of being the only one trying to make this work...because it is futile and pointless. If everything is up to me to fix...it isn't worth it to me. A relationship is a two way street. I explained that I felt neglected, and disrespected...and I don't need to put up with that. What I mean by that is this...(neglected) He was spending more time with his friends than with his son and I at home...we need family time. (disrespected) I am tired of being yelled at when he can't find his stuff, or when things don't go the way he plans in his own mind. Robert has a very hard time dealing with unmanageables. When things don't go according to schedule or planned...Rob skitzes out. I can't take that. As a matter of fact, I can't stand it. The world will never be perfect, sometimes you have to leave room for error. I don't even want to try to make him get that anymore. When we had our confrontation, I told him I give up on us... I am not going to fight to make it work...cause if it is meant to be...it would not be hard to go long periods of time without fighting. I told him...you yell everyday, about everything. I can't do this, and I won't do this anymore. So, he asked me to reconsider... I asked why. He said, he would try harder, I said, I am not leaving tomorrow...I told him that if I saw effort, that I will reconsider leaving. I am just tired of being exhausted...mentally& physically. We shall see...I do care for Rob... I just should not have to fight to make us work...it should be easy to be with someone you love.
relationships
