Otitis Externa Rant

Hi there internet people! I just want you all to know (not that this really matters) that I am currently in great physical pain. I somehow managed to magically conjure out of nowhere a wonderful ear infection and it’s driving me nuts. Nuts, I tell you! Maybe this is God’s (the Judeo-Christian one) way of saying “go to church once in a while, you sonofabitch”, but then maybe not. Maybe this is just one of those unfortunate things that happen and does not necessarily involve a divine primordial being who, his adherents claim, loves us all, but once in a while goes apeshit over something as inane as buttsex. Goes psycho over something like that, then destroys two cities, leaving few survivors. Yep, that's a loving God alright.

As my right ear quietly and lovingly throbs the whole night through, I feel that I have to tell you all a wonderful story. It’s about this guy who gets initiated into a tribe of hunter-gatherers somewhere in Africa. The Babongo. As part of an initiation ritual, he is given this powerful psychoactive drug obtained from the root of the boga tree. He is in this hut and one tribesman prepares the root, cutting bite-sized chips for the guy to eat. And so the guy chews and swallows and pukes and chews and swallows again. This goes on until the drug takes effect. After the trip, the guy says that he felt renewed and the experience was life-changing. He realized that all life is connected and that the world is one living organism, that he is just one tiny part of this great and wonderful organism, then he puked some more.

What’s the connection? Nothing.

Now, it feels like an itchy, burning, rusty nail is being driven repeatedly at irregular intervals straight into the wall of my ear canal. You have no idea how this fucking hurts. I’m gnashing my teeth, man; gnashing for God’s sake. I’m talking biblical-level pain here, man.

I’ve had this for three days now, and I haven’t slept nights during that time because the pain goes overdrive during nighttime til dawn and somehow it becomes tolerable during the day when I take my medication. I can’t eat properly because moving my jaw hurts. I can’t go to the beach (not that I really want to..I hate crowds). I can’t go outside. I spent that whole sleepless time in front of the TV, exactly what I’m doing right now.

I love the news. I love CNN, Fox News, BBC. I love hearing about death and the war and protests and the killings. I love hearing that conservative nut Bill O’ Reilly rant against those left-wing bastards ruining his beloved American Culture. I love watching the Great and All-Powerful Leader of the World George Bush Jr. as he makes monkey faces delivering another one of his speeches. The news of the latest bombings and snipings in Iraq, captured terrorists, AIDS and the Darfur Crisis in Africa, all of these confirm my humble belief that the world is one sad, crazy place.

During the day, when fatigue, hunger, pain, misery, and the realization that the world is one crappy place overwhelms me, I have a light breakfast consisting of one loaf of sliced bread, bolinao (tiny, mummified fishes, fried), some rice, and a banana. Then I take some antibiotics, analgesic, antipyretic, antibacterial, anti-inflammatory pills. Next, I ask my younger brother (who, by the way, is being treated for tuberculosis) to put exactly three drops of this ear medication into my ear. Then I watch TV some more and this is when I get drowsy, and sleep away the morning. I usually wake up around 4 in the afternoon groggy with a slight headache and a wonderful feeling in my stomach like I’m going to vomit.

I’ll drink coffee and wait for the feeling to subside, eat lunch/dinner, reread Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight Club, and then contemplate suicide.

My writing this is some sort of therapy. You know, all that bullshit about expressing yourself so you feel like you’re doing something to alleviate some real or perceived illness. And so, now that I have given you a piece of my mind, please feel free to go on with your happy lives, have a wonderful summer and please vote Bayan Muna.