So the saga is over. I'd planned to do a second semester in Fiji, but I found myself ineligible. I am disappointed, of course, it means not only that I miss out on the project I had planned and a curriculum directly in line with my major that I was excited about—but the semester back home has already started and that means I cannot get financial aid for this semester and have nothing to do until August. I cannot now complete the major I had planned and that means changing my degree and five more semesters until I graduate. At first I just wanted to go home, but now I feel that I am not ready to go home and I do not know what I will do.

My visa for India is good for a year, and that means I have until August. I have bookings in Thailand, Malaysia and Singapore for the two weeks after the tour that I am now on ends. Perhaps I will come back to India after and go to Auroville, to an ashram, or to the Landour language school. My one concern is that I don't really want to be on my own again. The thing that had stopped me from wanting to stay before, that made me want to go home, was being tired from being alone. I get frustrated and sad when I'm lonely and it isn't good for me. But, I'm thinking more and more, I think I will stay in India for awhile, instead of going "home". I am so close to making the decision that it is already made—I just have to say the words. I am afraid. It's easy traveling with the group. When I am with other people I have no fear, even when I am the one taking charge—directing the rickshaw drivers, haggling in the market or whatever. But I do not like being alone.

If I stay, will I ever go back? I wonder about this. Surely I will have my moments when I wish for home, but it would be too tempting to just stay, I think. I will not ever get that kind of sickness where each step that I take is on my way home. Rather each step will be farther from the center until I return and find that "home" is no longer home. I am now on the brink, the point of no return, a cross roads. I cannot help but shun the well paved highway for the untraveled track but, I must wonder, what will become of me? I have already wandered too far to go back and fit into everyday humdrum society. I can never be happy with a comfortable nine to five job, benefits and retirement. I cannot be happy with ordinary existence. But what will I do? What can I make of this? I feel this push to do something with myself, to make something of myself, but I can't settle down and must follow my wandering spirit. All who wander are not lost.