It Ends Tonight

Tonight was pretty good, just a regular night in Carlsbad, mostly. I kind of feel like this weekend turned out to be less then I expected.  I guess that's pretty stupid though, because I went out and did fun things every night.  I suppose I only feel this way because I didn't get any action.  That's pretty dumb of me though, I shouldn't base my feelings of completeness on something stupid like making out with somebody.  I guess it has to do with wanting to keep up with Derek in moving on, which is completely retarted, because it's not like I even know that he's getting some.  And I don't want to know if he is.  And I don't want to tell him what I've done since we've been apart.  It's all so stupid.  I'm starting over.

I had a good weekend, damnit. The original plan was to drink, but then Ryan's mom took the liqour because it's Labor day weekend and she was worried about us getting caught.  Which I was secertly really happy about. Actually, not even so secertly.  Last night was okay, and I'm sure sometimes drinking can be really fun, but I didn't want to tonight.  I just wanted to go out, which is what I got.  So Ry and Alyssa came by, then we called Willie and met up at Taco Bell.  But then Willie's mom pulled up just as we did, which was really weird, so we went to Denny's instead.  Alyssa smoked a cigerette on the way, which was really gross and left her light headed and out of it. I stole $5 from my dad, so I ordered smothered cheese fries since I hadn't had dinner, heck yes. Alyssa got a little bitchy (I don't know what it is with her lately, seriously) and we ended up having to take her to the Laundry Mat (where her mom works) to pick up her sister, then take the both home.  I seriously don't get Alyssa's mother.  I don't like to put down other people's families, but I seriously dislike that woman. But like I said Alyssa was being a little grrrish, so it was okay she had to go home. 

Me and Ryan met back up with Willie and her cousins at the river.  We just sat at this picnic tabel and talked about nothing and everything.  Mostly teenagery stuff like the craziest places we've had sex and other dirty minded things.  Then Ryan bitched about his boyfriend, which is always fun. That sounds sarcastic, but isn't, I think his bitching is cute.  And I can almost always really relate.  And I go "Dang, Derek was an ass to me alot of the time.  That sucks."  It was also really nice and cool out tonight, it seemed like it was going to rain, but didn't.  But we got the cool front anyway.  I liked it.  After awhile, Ry just took me home because I needed to be home by 11 since I didn't go to church this morning.  (I was feeling a bit sickish from last night and also just tired, so dad moved my cerfew up.) 

When I got home I talked to my mom online for a bit.  I like talking to her that way, it's alot easier then on the phone.  And I think she feels connected to me that way, so that's good.  Then I talked to Dana for awhile and told him what's going on with theater this year and whatnot.  I'm sure it's really weird to be gone from high school and off into college.  He's handling it better then SOME though *coughs*Derek*cough*.  I swear that kid has the coolest tastes in music.  He gave me a list of some bands he thought I'd like, and told me he's working for a campus radio station thing spreading the word about some cool bands, which is way cool.  So I downloaded some music from the bands he suggested  (I always spell that 'sudjested' for some reason)(Also, I just learned how to download music on Thursday, Ryan set me up a program and got me started- I know, I'm soooo behind the times it's not even funny) and my favorite so far is "Hooray" by Minus the Bear.  I really like Dana, I'm glad we're talking again lately.  It's kind of sad that we're clicking again now that he's off at school, but oh well.  Perhaps we'll hang out when he comes to Carlsbad sometime.

The conversation I had with Derek was on my mind most of the day.  I don't know if that's a good thing or what.  I wish I wasn't thinking about him so much, I'm tyring to stary away from that- but mostly it made me happy and not sad.  I need to be careful not to get to personal/emotional with anything I say to him though, I'm not ready for that yet.  Maybe I never will be.  We need to keep our friendship/whatever this is just on the surface right now. 

Something else kind of crazy happened the other night.  Jeremiah randomly IMed me and apologized.  I don't know if any of you know what that's about, and I really would rather not go into it- but it was something that was along time coming and just made me feel good. 

Random thoughts before I go:

• I'm really sleepy.  My dad fell asleep in his chair and my sister on the couch 'cause they were watching a movie.
•   I went to youth group tonight, but it kind of sucked beacuse it was mostly younger kids. 
  
• Ryan grabbed my butt tonight and was like "OMG, you have an ass. Why did I never realize this?"  Hah, so I guess I have an ass.
• I like when Ryan lets me be affectionate with him.
• My dad's best friend Christopher and his new lover Eric stopped by yesterday.  It was the first time I met Eric, and I like him.  They applauded me for standing up for what I believe in the other day in English class when that asshole was gay bashing.  That felt good. 
  
• My dad calls Christopher and Eric C + E.  It's very cute and gay-savvy of him.
• I hate to say it, but I miss Derek.
• That's all.

-Court