Just blah

I've got a million thoughts buzzing around in my head and no one to talk to them about. So I thought I could come on here and spew them all out and see if it makes me feel any better. I don't care if no one reads them or if everyone does and comments. I just need to get them out.

I'm feeling sick. Woke up with a headache and a sore chest and feeling like complete crap. I realised as I was lying in bed, too achy to move despite having to pee that times like this being single sucks. I can't ask my partner to get me panadol and a drink of water. I've got to get my sorry ass out of bed and get it myself. I can't ask them to run to the store when I discover I don't have any panadol and the juice ran out last week, I've got to do it myself. Which is gonna be fun considering I'm dizzy just walking to the bathroom.

Which made me realise I don't actually feel like I have anyone I can rely on. I know I can rely on my Dad and StepMum but they live 2 hours drive away. I spose I could rely on my ex but he can barely look after himself, let alone help me out. I have friends and I have family but I'd just feel like I was bothering them.

Which made me realise I don't have a best friend. Surely if I did I could rely on him/her no matter what. I've had them in the past, they've come and gone, changed as relationships do but no one physically here who is my best friend and I can rely on no matter what. No one to run me to the grcoery store coz I feel like crap and my damn car is broken. No one to hug me when I'm feeling down and tired and just blah.

Which made me realise I want a hug. Not just a 2 second "nice to see you again" hug. I want a "lie beside each other all night, wrapped up in each others arms naked" hug.

I said in my last post that I don't need a relationship, that a vibrator works just fine. I'm full of crap. I cant hug a vibrator. I can't tell a vibrator how I'm feeling and have it sympathise with me or comfort me. I can't stay warm by hugging it at night. I can't borrow money off it to fix my car. Vibrators can only do so much and I'm at the limit of mine.

How do I even go about finding someone else to be in a relationship with? I don't like going to bars or clubs, they just make me feel like crap. All my self esteem issues ocme up and I feel like I'm being judged or laughed at.  I can't have fun when I'm being paranoid about whats being thought about me. You'd think at 26 I'd be over it but I'm not. I'm in the process of learning to love myself but I'm not there yet. I still rely too heavily on other peoples opinions of me. I'm better than I was but I still feel like crap in a bar/club situation. So what does that leave? Work? Yeah right. I work with females and I can't see it working out too well to date one of the fathers of the kids I teach. Its probably unethical and I'll get into trouble. I spose I could look more seriously at the dating website I joined for fun. But I can't see anything awesome happening off there. It seems to be full of horny men wanting hookups.

Im just over it. Im over being alone and being single and not having the life I thought I'd have at 26. I'm supposed to be happily married with a child or expecting one. I cried so much on Mothers Day because I feel like I've missed my chance. I'm never going to get another one. I honestly feel like I was born to be a Mother. I'm happy with my career and my degree and things. But Id also love to be a stay at home Mum. Looking after my children and caring for them while my partner works. I know thats not very forward thinking of me. That I'm living in the 60s or something for wanting that. But I do. More than anything.

I see the children who come to my daycare. dropped off at 7am and picked up at 6pm. They spend their days with me and the other staff. They're woken up and maybe dressed, brought to us. We give them breakfast, spend the day with them. Then they probably fall asleep on the way home in the car and they're put to bed on returning home. How much quality time do you think their parents are spending with them? I know I sound judgemental and I completely understand that some people have to work. Its their reality but I still wonder how it will affect these kids.

I'm just blah and crap and tired and sad and just blah. I know I need to pick myself up out of the black hole of doom I'm in but I can't seem to find the way out. I think I was catapulted into here and theres no escape.