My dearest Mindsayer's

I first need to thank you all for the amazing love and comments from the last entry. You all just continue to amaze me, and I cannot begin to thank you for everything that you have done for me. I have read and re-read all of your comments and it has given me the courage that I need to go on with my life, as normal as it can be.

I  feel like I am in a place in my life, right now, right at this second that I am living in a world that is not my own. I am not in my house. I am in someone else's house. I am not in my room. I am in someone else's room. I am not typing at my own computer listening to John Mayer. I am on someone else's computer listening to John Mayer. It is this parallel that I feel like I am never going to get out of. It's hard to explain what I am exactly feeling at this moment in time, but this is the best outlet for me; talking to a world of people who care about me.

I am scared. I am scared of what is to come. I am scared of what my house will be, look like, how safe it will be. I am scared with all this shit talk about asbestos. I am scared for my parents; that this has added extra stress to their life that never really needed to be there in the first place. I feel vulnerable because I am so unsure of what the future may hold. I am feeling exposed. I am all out in the open, so much so that my door and windows had to be boarded up with plywood so that people do not go into my house and touch our things and our belongings. I have a feeling of this perpetual fear of worry that the way I feel when I walk into my house will never be there again. However, I know that these feelings should all be pressed to the sidelines because I have one thing to be thankful for and that is the fact that my family is alive. My family is alive. The very fact that we all could have died, being a survivor who was able to live through a potential ordeal that could have resulted in the death of my family... BUT DIDN'T... is what makes everything better. I don't know what I would do without my Mom, or my Dad or Krystyna... and  quite frankly, what would my family do if I was hurt, or something worse? What about what it would do to Genio? You know, I am here, typing this, and I am reminded at how Genio said to me, on numerous occasions over the span of the past week that... "Dania, I am so happy to have you never in my arms, for I do not know what I would do if you were not here". The sheer truth that that statement could have actually come true really frightens me. Like I said in the last update, that the title of the entry one the main page "Mindsay User Survives Explosion" is so very true. I did survive an explosion that had to true and real possibility that my life could have ended. I don't want my life to end. I have so much to live for. I am turning 25 next year. I have years and years of graphic design a head of me. I have tons of things to photograph. I am going to marry the love of my life next year. I am, we are truly blessed to have survived something like we did. I am a true believer that things happen for a reason. This may of happened for one reason or another, and I may never know the reason, but I believe that it will bring my family closer together. We have all been taught a lesson that life could end very suddenly, and you may never know when that could happen, but when you stare it in the face and you are able to walk away, without a scratch on your face, of cut on your feet and no broken bones, you thank God, and you thank my father who got us all out of the house within 6 minutes of the first and devastating explosion.

Before I go to sleep, every night since Sunday, I lay down and think. I do this all the time, it's nothing new. I talk to God as if the guy is my homey. We kick it, awesome style. But this time, I have questions and I do not think that they will ever get answered. This bothers me. But I have to tell myself not to. I just have to understand that there will be things that I will never be able to understand or get answers for, but I just have to believe. I have to believe in people, I have to believe in time, I have to believe in the power of prayer and I have to believe in myself. I don't think that I do that enough. I do, to a point, but I have a lot of of people believing in me, and seeing the good in myself, but I have a hard trouble seeing it. I try to be the best person to anyone in the world. But I have been reminded several times but certain individuals that I need to believe in myself. Maybe this experience will teach me how to. I have to believe in the power of my legs to run me out of my house. I have to believe in myself to get up each morning and thank God that I am still alive in it. Moreover, I believed in my Dad. He was the man that made sure that everyone got out of the house. If he was not a stern as he was to get out of the house, I don't know how things would have turned out. It was because of him that we got out as fast as we did.

Let me get to the update part ;)

WE FINALLY GOT INTO OUR HOUSE!
On Thursday, with camp [since I work as a camp leader for summer camp] we went on a trip. This trip was to the movies to see Wall-e (which I loved, by the way). On the way back to camp, after the movie was done, I called my Mom to ask her how things were there and if they had got into the house. When I called her, we were just at the bus station, and she told me on the phone that they had finally been allowed into the house. As soon as I heard this, I told my supervisor and she allowed me to leave the group, and get on the bus and go. On the bus, while pulling out of the station I was shaking, crying and had this overwhelming feeling of "oh my god.... finally". When I got of at the right bus stop, I ran to my street, and I don't think I had ever run that fast in my life. My mind was running with me. I was thinking what is my house going to look like? Is all my stuff still there? Is my engagement ring still there? Why did this happen to us? Am I ever going to get over this? Are my parents okay? And I can go on and on with what I was thinking, but you get the idea. When I got to the end of my street, I was stopped by a cop. He asked me where I was going. I told him that I was allowed to get into my house and my family are already there. He asked me if I had I.D and I told him… um no! I have it all in the house. Meanwhile, I had my Mom on the cell phone, and she was at the end of the driveway, and she waved so that the cop could see, and then I continued to run. I ran down my street so fast. When I was getting close to house, I could see debris all over my lawn, street, neighbour houses and my Mom waving me down and tearing streaming down her face. The first thing I remember was standing in front of my house in the exact same spot that I was standing in, back on early Sunday morning, with the large orange ball in the sky and I instantly was brought back to that feeling of heat and tears from running out of the house knowing that it will never be the same again. I walked up to the garage, to see that it looked like a car ran into in to it. I saw the sight of what it looks like to have your double front doors busted in to your house, and to have the overhanging feeling that things have changed forever. When I walked into the house, there was an instant change of my emotions. My house was dark, dingy and not full of life. The first things I saw was insulation everywhere, on top of everything. Dust, walls collapsed, windows smashed and things displaced everywhere. All the art that was around the house was all over the floor, the glass protecting the picture frames hanging on the wall were on the floor, smashed. The kitchen smelled of rotting food, busted-in glass sliding doors in my house, nail pops all over the house, doors off their hinges, cracks in the ceiling, cracks in glasses, and this ever creepy feeling of the fact that my house was open for that many days. There were bugs all over the house and it was sad. Sad because when I looked abound my house, it was not the same, but everything was there. Things were all over the floor, but it was not the same. It was most difficult for me to see the state of my sister, Krystyna’s room. The ceiling fell down, and if she was there, God knows what could have happened. My room, had glass, blinds and personal stuff all over the place. My engagement ring was in the same spot that it was in when I left it there the day before. But, everything that made it my room, was no longer there. It was my room, John Mayer was all there and such, but it was not my room. The window that blew, had a blinds in front of it, and that was completely off its spot attached to the wall. The saddest thing was to see picture frames that were all over my room of Genio and I on the floor. The entire site of the way things looked, but things into perspective, and it just made me realize that a home is not made of what is in it, but who are in it. If there is one thing that you should know about my house, is the fact that it is such a hub of people. Every week there was at least one visit from someone to our house. People just love being there, and not to mention that they love Mom’s cooking! Walking about the house and trying to take everything in, listening to my Mom wail behind me, made things so real.

I know that material things are able to be fixed/bought again, but we were able to get the precious and more important things that could never be replaced. It were these things that were first on the list to get. Over the span of yesterday and today, my parents and I were able to get everything we needed to feel better. The minute I had my stuff, the stuff that I really needed I my possession, such as my I.D., debit card, health card, birth certificate, S.I.N. card, driver’s license, money, camera and lenses, computer, extra hard drive, iPod, my Nintendo DS, my make up and iHome, I started to feel so much better. I know that my Mom and Dad felt so much better when they knew the things that they needed were safe, still in tact and really, still in the same place that they were left in. I think that, that was one of the biggest fear that my Dad had… the fact that someone (be it a cop, fire fighter, health inspector etc) was in the house and could have touched things. However, on the first walk through with looking at everything, it looked as if nothing was taken. Therefore that was a good sign.

Moving to today, the windows and doors were all boarded up with plywood. Meanwhile, looking at that site is something that is really disturbing. It has the look that the house is in a run down neighbourhood, where life has ended and the street was baron. It was such a hard sight to see because my street is always lively, with tons of traffic and such, but now there was the traffic of media cars, cop cars and fire trucks. It was heartbreaking to see my neighbours’ houses all broken, open and damaged just like mine. However, one of the things that this has done to my community is brought everyone together. We have all learned that in the event of tragedy, we all need to band together and fight this as one.

As for the house itself, there is HUGE bin on the outside of the house for the stuff that cannot be salvageable. The insurance adjuster said that the rule of thumb is that anything that is soft is to be thrown out, and anything hard surfaced can be sanded down and refinished. Hopefully the structural engineer will come by on Monday morning, and from there, the insurance company will determine what needs to happen to the house. There are two options. 1) Tear down the house completely or 2) rip out all that is bad, and replace it using the same structure and foundation of the house. When I know more, I will let you know.

I added some pictures to the note in facebook.

They are at the end of the entry.

For more pictures, I have this entry on Facebook, if you have it add me up—Danielle Hunter.

I want you all to know that you mean the world to me. To those who have already left a comment on the last two entries, know that I read them over and over again and I am so blessed to have you all as my friends. The power of prayer is one of the most powerful things, and please continues to pray for me and my family.

I love you all with all of my heart.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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My window in my room.

The Kitchen.
Glasses everywhere.

The ceiling in Krystyna's Room

The water glasses, mugs, wine glasses and shot glasses that were knocked it if the cupboard.
Location: Kicthen

The doorway of my room.
Location: In the basement

The doorway of my room, with all of my bridal magazines all over the floor.
Location: My room, in the basement.

The front door.
See, told you. Blown in.

The wall in the base that has a nice gash in it, due to the face that the firemen pushed the door down the stairs.

This is the walkout in the kitchen. Yeah, the glass is all over the place.
Location: Kitchen

The glass all over the floor.
Location: Kitchen

Krystyna's Room with the entire ceiling falling out.
She was not sleeping in this room, thank god.