There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. -- William Shakespeare


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accidental subterfuge

i never think about it until i'm actually there, but i am definitely intentionally hiding part of my life from my family. and it's gradually become a bigger part. 

initially, when this was simple an “open marriage” arrangement, my logic was, “they don't need to know about my sex life.”

but at this has less to do with my sex life, and more top do with my happiness. 

i call maria, “my friend.” that's what i called tim, too. and bryan, when he didn't leave early enough, and ran into my grandmother picking me up for work the day after i wrecked my car. 

the real slap in the face is to maria; she's much more than some casual friend. my family still asks about holly, and maria has been a much better friend to me in the for years we've been seeing each other. but we're also romantic partners who love each other. and i'm being disingenuous about it. 

i know she doesn't tell her parents. they joined, and raised their kids in, a religious cult. a strict christian, gay-hating, marriage-arranging type cult. she was a part of it until she was a teenager, when they finally defected, although not much changed (and, until recently, her sister was still married to a frightening man from ethiopia that the cult had matched her with). 

her parents have gotten some left curves from maria: exchange student in high school; unwed, single mother at twenty; married to a woman at twenty-five. 

i completely understand how bringing multiple relationships to light, in her situation, is ill-advised. there is already some tension about the authentic life she has built herself. adding, “hey, i also have a married girlfriend, and i have realized i'm a bit pansexual, so i'm also dating her husband...and we're all really happy!!” to their already incredulous acceptance of her being a lesbian might be emotionally disastrous. 

but for me...there's no risk. my family already thinks i’m dysfunctional, and weird. and my silence on the successful, happy parts only reaffirms their assumption that i must not be that happy. 

which isn't true :/ 

i kind of feel like i'm diminishing my own accomplishments by hiding the parts of my life i have worked so hard on, and that make me happy.  




insanereid on
Re: accidental subterfuge

No need to feel bad.

You probably don't want them to rain on your parade. If You know you're happy, you don't need anyone else's validation to continue to feel that way.

I can understand how you don't want to downplay the importance of Maria in your life.. but if they really wanted to know, they would ask more questions. It's not really their business though. You're happy. That's all they need to know. As long as Maria knows how important she is, what others know and don't know, doesn't really matter.

morte on
Re: accidental subterfuge

i just don't like misrepresenting myself, because it feels like shame, and i don't want to be ashamed of anything that i'm doing, because i'm really happy with how it's going. 

they wouldn't necessarily know what questions to ask lol i'm pretty private, i can't imagine a scenario where someone in my family inquired into my romantic life, especially since i’m married, because monogamy is just assumed. 

insanereid on
Re: accidental subterfuge

I understand that too. No need to feel shame over the scenario though. You're not actively Hiding it. Just not bringing it up in casual conversations lol


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