Hi, Buddy.  Still there?

 

 Ian

We all leave our marks on others - you just provide people with stuff to think about - it's impossible to mess them up really - any issue that bothers them can be dealt with, indeed needs to be. If something bothers you, let it out, then other people will be thinking about it (because it bothers them too) and they'll find an answer, which'll eventually get back to you. I kinda suspect this is what life is intended to do.

Smoking is a mistake - but it was ultimately their choice to smoke (even if you applied peer pressure) - and it was their choice not to give up - you can't force their life to follow any direction, you might encourage something, but it's always their choice.

So you broke up a relationship - shit happens, it wouldn't have happened if she/the couple had the resolve to find a way around it, so again it's not entirely you - it also depended on how severely they react to things - which again is their fault, not yours. If it was broken up by the truth, you were just being honest, if it was broken up by a lie, you were just trying to gain, but it was up to the couple to have the faith/understanding in each other to trust each other over you.

The police had a problem with something you did - some of them are just authorative control freaks who gravitate to that kinda job just to arrest people, but generally the law is what it is and it's their job to enforce it, so they have to - it's nothing personal.

Even if you were gay, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it - your parents were wrong to think it needed a shrink. Most people (myself included) go/still am going through a period of questioning + working out our sexuality - it takes years. Since I've never had a gf and never taken a girl home, my parents also suspected i was gay at one point - but who cares? It's not their business, and it's not harming anyone.

Addiction is also just a mistake, a hard one to overcome, but just a mistake, and not uncommon either. Getting others hooked - again it was still their choice to take +contine to take the blasted thing - if they really didn't want to they could just refuse. And you're not happy because you've got stuff on your mind - material things gained by money is at most only going to distract - you'll still have these issues to deal with, and you still face them regardless of whether you live or not (if there is an afterlife, what's on your mind won't go away, the past will still be there + you have to deal with). Family also have no right to just 'expect' you to become better without talking these issues over with the determination to see it right through to the end - and they've left you still with stuff on your mind, they have no right to complain without dealing with it, and I reckon they should because you're one of them - if they really cared they'd try to help put your mind at rest, not make it worse by pressuring you to appear better.

You don't have to tell everybody, or at least certainly not all in one go, just as many as you feel you need to until you can put it to rest in your mind. You seem to need to get it off your chest though as part of dealing with it. Please tell me, I promise I won't be angry, and because of that it's 100% my responsibility not to be. I'm pretty hardened, I hold no prejudices against you, and I hold no power to inflict consequences to your life, you've got nothing to lose.
ainsworth.matthew@yahoo.com