Have you ever thought about trying to make someone else's life better..There are children dying in cancer clinics...abandoned senior citizens who sit lonely and frail and all they want to do is have someone to talk to ...someone to listen to them...I had a senior friend who was blind, her body cut apart from cancer including both of her breasts removed...She had puffers and inhalers and wore an angina patch daily...She was born with one leg longer than the other so she had a 7 inch platform on one shoe...yet....every day...she prayed all morning for those less fortunate than her...She changed my life with her love and gratitude for her life...I know sometimes it feels like life sucks...it does at times but if you remove yourself from your pain for even a moment in order to make someone smile....then you will have lived a worthy day...a happier day...a day that counts for good....and perhaps....just perhaps...if those days grow in number....one day you will wake up and instead of anger.....you will have a smile on your face.....realizing that your life has meaning....especially to others and therefore to you..

If you give to others....you will have many ....many.....missing you when you leave this earth.

No one will miss me. Not after the world I've created, with all of them my puppets in a grand delusion. I'm a horrible human being. I can't give to others when I have nothing to give. I'm an organ donor, so one day when I die they can just harvest my organs and give it to other people who might have a better use for them, because I certainly didn't. No one will miss me, especially when they learn the truth.

I know you...

You aren't a horrible person...

Human is what you are..

You think you have nothing to give...because of your experience...You feel empty..but...

I think...........tomorrow is a new day..

Absolutely....many will miss you....particularly when they feel your truth..

I would miss you...

I love truth...I know that sometimes the truth hurts and is not very attractive..but on the other side of the coin..there is sweetness and love waiting to bloom...I look for the child ...for the beauty...and I believe...in your beauty.

You may have used people as puppets...You may have lived in a dark existence..but.....you have beauty.....I see you..your beauty.

Rise up ..

I agree with robot2 - you can give your life meaning by using your experiences/abilities to help others, even if your life can't be happy, you can still make the whole thing worthwhile and you'd feel useful too. You'd be an especially understanding person because of the depression - you could empathise when people need it most, that would really count, and i'd say you're putting less at risk by staying alive - nobody would punish you for completing life naturally - you'd have done what you thought best, as far as you could, in the face of sorrow  - that deserves respect.

It doesn't even need to matter what people think of you, you face a choice of either doing what you can to prevent others from having to face what you did (and help those who are trapped), or to attempt to escape for the selfish persuit of relief. We don't even know if things would be any better after suicide - you'd be walking straight into open judgement if you did that.

To be honest, nothing could be worse than the hellish mind I have now. The only thing I risk by staying alive is hurting people even more. It was never my intention to create such a world, but in the end that's what happened. I'm responsible for the world I've created and if it's going to end, it's going to end by my own hands. I did this to everyone around me, I'm the one who's hurting myself and everyone in the long run. How could anyone forgive me for the things I've done? Certainly not my family, most likely not my friends. No one. I can't even forgive myself for everything I've done.

Guilt is the worst..

You may have done some horrible things but .......there is forgiveness....and new beginnings...

 

 

You are hurting...but I know...you can be forgiven..no matter what you've done.

 

No one will forgive me. And even if they did, I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye anymore, because I know that deep down inside I've hurt them. People may say they forgive you, but there is always something deep down inside that alters their perception of you ever so slightly. It's ingrained in their mind and they will never forget it.

that's their bloody fault for not being able to move on, and for holding prejudice. They have no right to continue hating you when you're nolonger hurting them, and it's also unfair of them to hold you ransom to your past - people make mistakes, shit happens, let them move on.

Somebody called Paul really hurt me once by telling me I had no chance with a girl (who he secretly fancied) + he all out attacked me with thing like "why do you think she'd be interested in you", and personal attacks like "like you, I once fancied someone who was way out of my leage", and also generally I could tell he had a low opinion of me as a human being just because I lacked confidence, If I thought of an idea he would tell me how "we've all thought of that already" and stuff like that to harm me - but he did change slowly the more he came to understand my resolve + respect me for surviving and remaining standing after people gave me hell and eventually suggested I kill myself in the exam so that they could get sympathy marks. As he changed, I forgave him slowly, as far as I saw evidence of change.

BTW you're not going to change the past or repay any debts if you did suicide - even if they don't appreciate it, at least you can say to yourself that you have changed, you've done the best they can, but they're ignorant tossers for not realising + for treating you bad after you'd genuinely regretted + changed. The change in perception is just that for once they had to take some shit themselves + that they don't want to have to think and deal with whatever you said - which just goes to show their shortcomings

You will have the chance to make good and earn forgiveness if you allow yourself the chance by staying alive - you are cabable of good but it might be hard for yourself to see how - certainly if you really regret a mistake of the past you're not going to do that thing again - so what you do can only get better - and even if people do get hurt with more mistakes, that's just a part of learning for everyone involved, they will be stronger out of it too, in that way good things can come out of supposedly bad deeds. Mistakes are an acceptable part of being human. You are repenting, and repentance is paying for it. Not everyone has the ability to identify themselves as being possibly to blame, it is a credit to you that you can - although I doubt you are really at fault to quite the extent that you blame yourself - everyone just does what you thought best at the time, even if it was a silly mistake, at the time you just didn't know, otherwise you wouldn't have done it - I can't blame you for not knowing.

To let you in on a secret of my past that I'm ashamed of, years ago I stalked a girl for about 2 months - i just didn't know any other way of getting her attention because my parents never taught me how to talk to women - they just assumed I'd instinctively know. I deeply regret doing it, and even when I knew it was causing her pain I lacked the willpower to stop myself, until I really fought it, that was painful. I have done other bad things, like unwittingly contributing to an attempted suicide, and I hope that through life now I can make amends and earn  forgiveness.

I'm solely to blame for everything that I've created. My life is one continuous lie. I lie about everything. So much so that I even started believing some of them. I have the greatest memory in the world when it comes to who I lied to, about what I lied, when I lied, where I lied...I've never missed a beat and it kills me everyday. How long can I seriously go on with this game? I will graduate from college in one year and that's pretty much all the time I have left before I 1.) Kill myself or 2.) Spill the beans, destroy my universe, hurt everyone around me, then pick up the pieces of my life all by myself. And when I say destroy my universe, I literally mean everything I've accomplished in the past 12 years will be gone forever. No one will forgive me, my family will disown me, and I'll just be a huge disappointment/failure. I know my family enough that they will certainly disown me.

I don't deserve forgiveness...heck, I wouldn't forgive me either if I found out all the things I had said were lies, or all the things I had done. I'm a terrible excuse for a human being. All I do is bring chaos wherever I go.

I cannot imagine anything you could've done that'd be 'bad' enough to phase me - particularly since you regret it. Honestly, even if you went round ripping the eyeballs out of newborn babies and forcibly injected them with bleach purely to cause them a painful death before eating them I'd still be able to find a way to forgive you, or at least give you as many chances as it takes. I've caused attempted suicide myself, I've slept with unwilling prostitutes (bordering on rape) - if there's even a way to be much lower than me I couldn't imagine it. Obviously you're holding secrets and it's bothering you to keep them on your chest - you have nothing to lose by telling me by email - i promise I'd tell nobody - and even if I did react (which I promise I wouldn't) - how's it going to change anything? - I can't harm you over the internet - I don't even know who you are or where you live
my email: ainsworth.matthew@yahoo.com

Is lieing really that bad anyway? You might've lied for your own benefit - so what? You have human desires just like anyone else - and it's not your fault you weren't born wealthy + lucky enough to get everything come to you naturally like it is for some people - which is unfair and you shouldn't have been deprived of whatever it was enough to need to lie. Also if nobody was really hurt by the lieing, or if it was intended to benefit anyone (even yourself) then it was intended to do a good thing - to make someone (even if yourself) somehow feel better - and even if it backfired, it was still intended to benefit somebody (and it's ok if that's yourself), otherwise you wouldn't do it.

You can't undo the past - mistakes are mistakes, they're gone in the past, and you can't delete your accompishments - maybe you could blow life savings and rip up certificates but it doesn't change the fact you earned them, and so deserved them - and you can't undo how you've helped people - even if you haven't been aware - like helping your family cope just by being there - even if they didn't appreciate it, even if they don't understand they depend on you. If your family lack the understanding and tolerance to find a way around the issue, that's their failing, not yours. Maybe they'll be angry, but that's their fault because I consider anger to be an unnacceptable lack of compassion and understanding.

And life is your chance to earn that forgiveness - you know now what is and isn't a mistake - you can use the time you have to make up for whatever you did by trying to help people in need - and that would also give meaning to your life, and it'd turn it into something good, you can make something ultimately good come out of a bad mistake or experience by using it to help people

Buddy, I'm glad you're alive and I very much want to hear from you.  If you've lost my email, it's ian51smith@hotmail.com  

 

Remember I understand.

 

Really looking forward to your words in my inbox.

Ian in Scotland 

Hi Ian...I know I haven't been around a lot, and I'm surprised you still remember me. Obviously as you can tell, things are a little rocky. I've hit that bottom of the barrel stage in life right now and amazingly I still seem to be going down. I'm going to amsterdam in a few months...going to blaze the blues right outta me. Perhaps I'll have some sort of drug induced epiphany there.....