Stalking/Domest... Violence

If you are in immediate need of assistance with a stalker go to Pyramid of personal safety, Five Stages of Violent Crime and the Stalking Solutions pages to get some basic tips on how to protect yourself. If you think a situation might be heading towards stalking read the profile of potential rapists, abusers and stalkers. Contact the police, get a lawyer, get a restraining order and get in contact with the local women's crisis center for immediate help.

Stalkers and domestic violence abusers rely on two main components.

First isolating and confusing people with their earlier behavior.

Second, people not being willing to go as far as they will.

They will twist and turn the insides of your mind until you don't know which way is up and when you try to reassert yourself in order to get your life back, or displease them in any way, they will punish you.

A punishment nobody deserves, regardless of what they may have convinced you.

A law unto themselves
A fundamental point, that both defines the problem and you must never forget is: Stalkers/Abusers think of themselves as laws unto themselves.

That is to say that no laws, no social standards, no standards of behavior and no motivation other than "themselves" dictate their actions. As such, what would deter a normal person won't even phase them. Normal "laws" of conduct are like cobwebs to them, nothing more than minor inconveniences, not something that stops them from getting what they want.. Their wants, their feelings, their emotions, their needs and -- most deadly of all -- their pride are the only law they follow. In fact, to them, it is the only law that exists and they will go to no ends to enforce that law. If such a person cannot manipulate you, then they will beat you...and then they'll make you feel guilty for it.

In their own childish minds, they are gods upon this earth and no mortal (you) has the right to deny or hurt them.

Unfortunately, as they consider themselves laws unto themselves, what they consider denying or hurtful, is unpredictable. On the receiving end of their behavior it seems that almost anything can set them off. To someone outside their spells and/or someone who is not emotionally dependant on them, their behaviors are obviously wrong and manipulative.

Selfishness, charm and the monster within
Recognize that you are dealing with a selfishness that borders on pathology. Everything they do is oriented on themselves, their gain and their control over you. And if they feel that they have ever lost that control over you, then they will go to almost any lengths to get it back. We say almost any lengths, because while they can be stopped short of killing you, you cannot do it alone. What you must realize is that the stalking/abuse is just another form of control over you.

Control comes in many different forms. Such people know how to turn on the charm to convince people that they are not the monsters they really are. After all, they convinced you. This is one of their major weapons and sources of power. When they want something, they can be the height of charm, caring and sensitivity. They can be romantic, knowledgeable, strong and heroic. Basically it's a "glamour" they cast. These people, although so charming, thoughtful and caring at first, do not change into monsters. Like vampires they were monsters all along, but were able to beguile and win your trust before they revealed their true nature. They slowly drew you into their web. As long as you accept them as living gods on earth and cater to their every whim, then you will never see this monster revealed.

These people have years of experience manipulating people and using violence to get their way by picking and choosing their victims. Not only have their successes given them the impression that they can get away with it, but they have learned from their failures. And each time have become more cunning and adept at what they do.

Handling the problem yourself
When it comes to stalkers the most important rule you need to remember is:

DON'T Try to handle it yourself

This is THE most common mistake women make when it comes to stalkers. Bottomline here, if the guy
     a) didn't already know he could take you
     b) was afraid of you and what you can do, and
     c) wasn't pretty sure he could get away with it --

HE WOULDN'T BE DOING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!

While it is terrifying to believe so, such a person has been studying you like an insect. He knows your strengths, weaknesses, blind-spots, emotional reactions and what lengths you are willing to go to better than you do. That is because he has been studying you, testing you and training you like a dog to react a certain way. And that is no exaggeration, such people are expert manipulators and usually have a long time dealing with you before the problems became this severe. You are playing against a stacked deck already. No matter how confident, self-assured or competent you think yourself, realize that he knows your strengths and weaknesses before hand and is building his strategy around that knowledge. You have been the victim of a prolonged interview that is now escalating.

If he even thought you had what it takes to wait in the shadows near his front door with a shotgun he wouldn't be doing it. Not that we are recommending this course of action, but stalkers do know who not to mess with).

In fact, women who are generally competent and professional in their lives are MORE likely to be stalked! That is because while they are competent and confident in "civilized" dealings with men, this is a situation where the normal social conventions (which provide a significant leveling influence) simply don't exist. Being suddenly cast adrift in shark infested waters is frustrating, terrifying and unknown. And that is exactly what he wants you to feel.

Remember stalkers think of themselves as "laws unto themselves." In order to maintain this delusion they need to operate in isolation. That is to say they need to find people who are too proud to ask for help and will foolishly attempt to handle the problem by themselves. It is the woman's pride, confidence in herself and her abilities -- and her shame for "finding myself in such a stupid situation" that keeps her from immediately seeking outside help.

And those are the very things the stalker is relying on you to do so he can keep on doing what he is doing.

That is why you need to call in the cavalry and as much reinforcements as you can. And that means, police, lawyers, friends and neighbors. Also realize that this situation is going to cost you...self-defense courses, guns and training, lawyers, court fees and possibly moving and changing jobs.

There is no easy answer to this problem. It's a long time coming and it will be a long time going.

http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/stalking.html

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patchesmom on

Re: Stalking/Domest... Violence

excellent post!!!!!!!

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bahamat on

Re: Stalking/Domest... Violence

Okay... But people should know that not all stalkers are killers in waiting - some of them are just obsessively attatched - some of them wouldn't hurt. I used to be one many years ago in a past I deeply regret, I just wanted to be near her, In the end I cut off, for her sake because I realised it was hurting her and I loved her too much to let that happen, but it was very hard because it was obsession. I didn't know any other way of getting the attention of women

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moonstonegl on

Re: Stalking/Domest... Violence

I realize that not all stalkers are killers and for some it is just 'obsessive attachment' however to the one who is being stalked...trust me - they don't know what the stalker is capable of, and sometimes the stalker themselves don't know. Seeing them with someone else can 'set them off' and a situation can escalate quickly into a 'if I can't have you no one can' situation. Murder / suicides are not that uncommon - the rationale being that 'we will be together in death or the next life.' I am glad indeed that you realized that you were hurting the one you cared about. That's not always an easy thing to deal with. Thanks for posting.

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bahamat on

Re: Stalking/Domest... Violence

I understand, that the victims are afraid and don't know what to expect, but there's enough fear - it's good to be protected, but bad to be paranoid. We have to deal with what's going on inside the stalker's heads to end it for good - even if you lock them up it will still be there lurking inside, and it's not healthy for them either - but councelling might end it for good maybe.
Thankyou for your reply

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moonstonegl on

Re: Stalking/Domest... Violence

You have to realize that my responses are because I speak from experience of the victim. The victim did not ask to be stalked and has no clue often to what lies in the mind of the stalker, even if the stalker is known to them. I don't recommend locking the stalker up unless there is no other choice, and yes I do heartily recommend counseling, for both the victim and for the stalker.

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bahamat on

Re: Stalking/Domest... Violence:

That's all ok - and it's understandable that they're afraid, but if there's a way to know that a particular stalker isn't dangerous, or is less likely to be, it must put their minds to rest a bit... I mean if you know the person maybe you could have some idea of what it's likely to be. People are taught to fear what they don't understand in other things too - but if they can understand there might be less fear maybe, I know there may always be some degree of uncertainty, but if you know what sort of person they are it might hint to why they do it.
I want the victims to be less frightened I suppose, so the whole experience is made as minimal as such a thing can be

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wonderingsoul on

Re: Stalking/Domest... Violence

Thank you for sharing this!! This is something that those in need should see, but also people like me who work to help those in need, should recognize. One thing I'm taught in my work with domestic violence is that no one knows the abuser better than their victim. We should never presume to know what they're capable of....their victims know this and can educate us. Great post!!

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estuartie on

Re: Stalking/Domest... Violence

What really surprised me, and I'm an ex policeman, is how widespread domestic violence is. I've recently met 5 women for coffee and a chat {I'm dating!!} and four of them had been the victims of either mental or physical abuse, or both. One had endured it for over 20 years and, I must admit, I struggled with why she hadn't done anything about it. She even still felt as though part of it was her fault -and these were intelligent women!!

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zinis on

Re: Stalking/Domest... Violence

Its amazing what you run into. I use to teach a women's self defense course. All of the information was basic self defense moves from everywhere. The content was designed by my instructor and he had the inclination that if it worked it didnt matter what background it came from he would use it and teach it. Anyway back to the point... About 1/2 to 3/4 of the women that would attend these classes were victims. free hit counters