ODE to JOY

I wish now that it had never happened
I cant think about anything else
Its all I talk about
Everyone is sick of hearing it
I know its wrong
Im not trying to get out of it
        Even my wife is totally disgusted with me
        She says I am rude and obnoxious
        My conduct at parties embarrasses her
        I refuse to listen to anyone else
        I wont go home
        I antagonize our hosts
        Their guests say Im deluded
    I think Im having a good time
    Im trying to have fun
    Enjoy myself
    Loosen up a little
    Get drunk
    Go for it
    Shout
    Act
Its true
I cant be happy
I drink too much
Im stoned all the time
Im dependent on coffee and cigarettes
I have a bad reputation
People never know exactly what I might do
But I have my limit
        Im moralistic
        Self righteous
        Hypersensitive to criticism
        Always denying my own faults
        Uncooperative
        Deranged
Im dragging everybody down
Im no fun to be with any more
I ought to talk to a psychologist
I dont believe in church
    Im so self centered
    Its all I I I I I

Its so hard to control
Its so hard to control
Weve got to put it behind us
Weve got to look to the future
Its no good talking about it all the time
There I go again
Im so proud of myself
Im a loud know it all
I dont have any practical applications
Im not doing anything about it
Ive got to do something about it
Im going to do something about it
    Id rather be by myself
    I dont care if they dont like my company
    Its teaching thats driven me crazy
    Questions
    Questions
    Questions
        I should get out
        How
Now what will I say to them
Theyll never want to see me again
If we meet it will be tense and uncomfortable
We wont want to be doing it
Its sad it all had to work out this way
Its my fault
Ive become antisocial
I dont have any friends
I dont like to go out
I dont know how to enjoy life
Im obsessed
Im trying not to exaggerate
    At first it was just a curious disbelief
    Then a lamp in my dream
    Then heaven
    Then arguing and arguing and arguing
    Im still arguing
    Im always arguing
    Every conversation is arguing to me
        I act like Im insane
        Like Im the judge
        Irrational
        Bizarre
I resent these accusations
They haunt me
I take them to heart
I meditate
Focus upon them
Suffer
    Im sorry about it
    I want to be kinder
    Im tired of it too
    Im sorry I keep doing it
    I dont want to do it anymore
        Im serious about this
        I know Im repeating myself
        I am ashamed
        It hurts to admit
I hate myself when I act so pompous
I feel so sad
I threw up this afternoon
I am unloved
I am unloved
I am unloved

I cant sleep at night
My stomach hurts
I feel like groaning
I want to groan and keep on groaning
Im so fanatical
Ive gone over the edge
They ought to put me away
Someone told my wife that
        Im sorry
        I cant go to work today
        Im sorry I cant go to work today
        Inside Im always crying
        My heart is always aching
        Aching and aching
        If I start
        Id never be able to stop if I start
        I would just
        Cry

I read the morning paper
I watch cbstv
I try to see the good side
I like cheerful people
Inside Im always crying
    My father is there
    Do you want something to cry about
    Im terrified
    With his belt as hard as he can
    I have no one
    This happens every single day
    This goes on for years
    I have no other memory of my father
    Until this stops
        I am totally helpless
        I am totally at his mercy
        I take it out on my brother
        I tease him
        He begins to hate me
        I am left with my guilts and regrets
        Last week a student wrote
            I know who I am
            I dont want to be me
            I cant explain why I did it
            I dont want it to be
                Crying
I cant adjust anymore
I cant get used to it
I cant get used to it
Why would I do something like that
Why did I do it
I dont understand
What is accomplished
Why
I know Im repeating myself
I know Im repeating myself
I dont mean to
I cant understand
I just cant accept it
Its too hard to accept
Im no good for anyone else
Ill lose at this game
I cant survive all of this struggling
It feels like hell to me
It is hell to me
    I wish I had never been born
    If I could rejoin oblivion by walking out that door
    Id be dead
    There
    Ive said it
    The curse they all hear in me
    Ive given up
    I dont care anymore
    I know I shouldnt feel this way
    I dont have good mental health
    My stomach is tearing
    My heart aches
    Dont touch me

I dont want any help
I dont want anything
I dont have any goal
My life is mixed up
I cant earn a comfortable living
I dont understand debt
I dont have any money
I cant work any harder
I cant do any more
It wont get any better
My condition wont improve
I refuse medication
Im suspicious of doctors
I dont know how to sing
I cant carry a tune
Im too shy to be dancing
I have no appetite
I dont like to go shopping
I feel guilty at restaurants
Neckties choke me
Ill always be this way
Ill always be sad
Ill always be spoiling it for them
Ill always be spoiling it for everybody else
Yes
Yes
Ill always be spoiling it for everybody else