[Blog #207] --- Suicidal --- [Tuesday] - What the fuck is wrong with me?

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Alright, I've been feeling shit for over a week now.
I got so upset earlier, I laid on my bed and thought about what I've been doing the last week that I don't normally do. I've compiled a list:

1. I either eat shitloads or nothing at all
2. I can't be bothered showering, brushing my teeth/hair or general hygiene tasks
3. I can't sleep on a nighttime - at least not before 4AM
4. I randomly fall asleep during the day
5. I'm cutting myself every day
6. I can't force myself to cry
7. I don't seem to think very often
8. I can't be bothered talking 
9. I'm not being difficult when mam asks me to do things
10. In effect, I'm actually being nicer to her
11. I'm not turning my light on when it gets dark
12. I'm feeling the need to masturbate a lot - especially at around 12AM-2AM
13. I'm randomly gagging when I put food in my mouth
14. I'm always thirsty
15. I'm getting a lot of headaches
16. I'm getting a lot of random stomach cramps
17. My stomach often feels harder than usual
18. I'm not going to the toilet very often
19. I'm always warmer than usual
20. I can't concentrate on something for very long
21. My excema is going mental
22. My chest always feels tight
23. But I feel less and less bothered to actually take my tablets/inhalers
24. I'm more proned to shouting at Shelly for being stupid, and have done several times
25. I find myself sitting somewhere for an hour and not actually accomplishing or even doing anything
26. I can't keep my head straight for very long - it seems to flop to my right a lot
27. My arms feel very weak
28. As do my fingers and my wrists
29. My eyes sting randomly and my vision fucks up

And I don't even know what the fuck could have triggered it off.
I got depressed earlier over watching this shitty programme with mam - and I don't even know why.

I managed to force myself to cry, and because I can't cut myself at the moment (mam would see, it's far too warm to wear long sleeves to hide them) - I punched myself in the face and smashed my head against my headboard and my wardrobe. I gave myself a massive headache, made my nose bleed a little bit and triggered off my asthma.
Shelly rang me in the midst of all this - then I ended up arguing with her.

I went on MSN to talk to Adam - then I went to lay on my bed again mid-conversation.
He's changed his personal message to angry stuff and his Facebook status is all like "Hmph, some fucking friends" - I don't understand, is he angry at me because I stopped talking?
He just went straight offline too, so maybe he's angry at me as well.

Shelly was angry at me for ages - she used something against me that she shouldn't have and I hung up on her and turned my phone off - then got around to calming down, letting her ring me again - made an effort to sort things out, but it didn't seem to fucking get anywhere.
She even suggested we split up, for if we couldn't go back to being friends - it would affect Ash, and all this.

Sigh, I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.
I was considering jumping out of my window earlier.
It's only about 12 feet from the ground, I wouldn't have died - maybe just broken an arm.
I was actually quite close to sitting on the windowsill - I was knelt on my entertainment stand, with my elbows on the frame - looking down out of it...

For fuck's sake - why can't I just die.
Every time I try to trigger an asthma attack - something MAKES me take my bastard salbutamol and then all my efforts are wasted.
What's the fucking point.

If I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, I'd make an effort to sort it.
But I just don't know.