A Mind Divided

I sit here thinking of how to describe a situation so complex and confusing I don't even understand it myself.  I can not put into words accurately exactly the situation and the emotions that are involved, but here is my best shot.  My heart is unwilling to let go of something I had previously, to say what I had before would be impossible because it has been so long since I had it.  To be honest I wonder if what I had was real, or if it was just something I have exaggerated so immensely that the entirety of what I had has been distorted.  So I will just go with what I have played it up to be, which is something that we all seek but few of us ever really find.  So that being said the very fact that I was able to obtain this and then lose it is maddening.  I have sought it since then but I have been unable to find it, relying only on my memory of what it was in order to seek it out.  The very fact I did this is my flaw, for in this case trying to seek it only by memory is foolish considering that it changes depending on the circumstances that are present.  But I did not realize this until now.  I see potential all around me but I am unwilling and unable to risk my feelings again.  The only way to move on is to let go, but I find it hard to let go of something that was so precious to me.  The very fact that I lost it may put my reasoning into question, but I will simply say that the reason I lost it was purely innocent and a mistake of a boy.  I tell myself constantly that I can never again have what I lost with this person, that it is utterly impossible but yet I still can not let go.  Perhaps eventually I will be able to, but I can only see into the near future not the distant future.  My heart is so worn out at this point that I have no feelings anymore save one, and that is my feelings for her.  Although she is unaware of my true predicament she has always offered her support, and I gladly give my support to her.  I aspire to one day let go, but until then I remain shackled to my previous commitments and promises.