So I need to get it out. Plus, since no one's reading this blog at the moment, I don't have to hold back.

I don't think I'm the kind to talk about how I feel to people I don't know. Only a few people know what I'm going through these days.

I've never felt so numb. I'm alone in this big apartment, just me and my cats. I'm walking around it all day, drowning. I feel so lonely here. Like no one's really there.

I feel like everyone wants something from me that I can't give them. Boys telling me they understand me when all they really want to do is fuck me. Girls telling me I need to call them whenever I feel bad, when really they have better things to do and never do pick up the phone when I call.

 All I've been doing the past month is eat all I could, throw it up in the bathroom, and smoke things that keep me from thinking about what's breaking me.

I hate him for leaving me. Why did he? Am I not good enough of a reason to make him stay?

Does he ever think of me? Does he regret leaving? Does he wanna come back?

Did he ever love me? Or even just like me? Did he ever care?

Why did he leave me? Why did he leave me? Why the fuck did he leave me?

I hate to think he's probably moving on. Looking at other girls. Flirting with them. Impressing them. Seducing them. Touching them.

I hate to think they could be touching him right now.

When I go to bed, I imagine he's lying right behind me, watching over me, smiling.

When I wake up, I don't turn around and look behind my shoulder, because I'm scared to see he's not there.

I'm scared it's never going to go away, that I'm never going to forget him. I'm scared I won't ever forgive him.

I feel like everyone here is against me, watching me, judging me, trying to get something from me.

I don't fell safe with my own family anymore. I don't recognize them anymore. Maybe it's me who's changed.

I just feel trapped with them. They hurt me. I don't think they know how hard it hurts.

I know everything goes away, or at least I'm convincing myself it does.

I pray it'll all get better. I'll get better. I have to.