sucky

it all sucks.
i just want to be one of those people who just lets things slide. someone who doesn't let every little thing bother them.
every single time the littlest thing happens i overthink it. i think about every detail of it until I have made myself sick to my stomach and convinced myself that either no one likes me or everything will always suck.
i need to stop that.
i need to make some more friends so i don't depend on the same one over and over.
Its just that when we are together i don't feel the need for other friends.
but when he is not around i am going to be fucked.
it seems like during the week we talk all the time because we are doing school work together but even though we see eachother a lot i convince myself of all these things.
like things that are probably not true.
but now i feel like i can't share those things with him because he will think i am ridiculous.
so its really a lose-lose situation for me.
he had the discussion with me about chosing when to speak up. i always thought that it should be the opposite.
what do i know really?
i know that i have 1 friend who is going to be gone for a long time and i am pretty much going to be friendless.
and i know that i feel sick to my stomach right now.
and i know that i want to go to sleep and i think thats just what i might do.

no college letters today. most people who were accepted into the program i applied already heard. so that is really negative for me,
i told my friend that i am fightin with that i didn't want to end things. she said "k. im eating with my grandpa, i havve to go"
ugh.
i am getting worried about writing here because i have a feeling a friend of my mother's reads this..so i am thinking i might need to relocate my blog to a different location. i don't know though.