I keep thinking that everything is going tochange and one we will both wake upand say lets go our separate ways and live life beofre we screw it up for ourselves. So i'll keep waiting, even though i know it is hopeless. Of course i want children i love kids and i find myself thinking about it all the time lately. However i feel like i would go crazy at the same time, have another human being always attached to my leg whinning and crying for my attention, feed me bathe me, love me , carrry me, read to me, play with me, do my laundry, clean my room. The list is endless. I dont percieve myself being mature enough to handle that kind of demand just yet. I need to get my life in order and be able to do what i am supposed to do first. Not to mention i have t oget this travelling bug out of myy system before i even consider it and plus im scared..... because i might wait to long and never have one or like now we are being ridiculos and NOT using any protection and we havent for a long while now and im still not pg. I am afraid that there is something wrong with me. Then i think well if i keep not using protection and i get pg what will my family think of me. will they be disapointed or mad???? i feel so embarressed to confess in front of them bc they have a way of making me feel stupid and i just want them ALL to be proud of me and love me for who i am not what they think i should be. I love him so much its unreal but i feel like we are on two different paths... wait no i feel like we are on the same path but then im split in two and half of me wants to go one way and the other wants to stay put. With out boths halves in the same place at the same time i will never be happy NO matter what i end up doing and thats what scares me most of all.
I just feel like there is no way out. I'm trapped and gasping for aire. Its like i cant breath but at the same time i dont have the need to so its exrutiating but i still live on and am powerless to die yet also powerless to do anything about any of it. I m just so sick of the life that we are both living right now and i feel sorry for both of us. It is so hard to be happy when you spend your days with someone who is so depressed they woul just rather sit and stare off into the past than actually live for the moment.
blessed be
love
