I'm Such a Headache

 One thing I love about Georgia is that most of the population drives 15 miles above the speed limit (whether they drive well, or not). But, like any other state, I'm sure, there's that group (you know, that group) who drive 15 miles under the speed limit. In the fast lane. Patrick, the part-time pharmacist at work, says he does it on purpose to "slow the speeders down." If you are one of those slow drivers (I'm not talking about th safe drivers who drive the speed limit or just under, but the individuals who driver 15 miles under the speed limit or less) I'd like to get a little message across to you: If you are driving slow because you're old, disabled and/or blind then you have no business driving at all. Call a son, daughter, cab, your neighbor, dentist, preacher anyone to  drive you to your destination. I assure you if they are a kindred spirit they will make time for you. If you are old, disabled, blind, stubborn and/or just plain stupid and you have the absolute need to leave the safety of your  house, apartment, or old folks home then drive in the slow lane, take the back roads... or just don't drive!! And for those of you assholes out there who purposely drive 40 in a 55 to "slow the speeders down" you are doing more harm than good. It is seriously dangerous. The people who drive 30 mph more than you (you know, at the normal speed) have to slam on their breaks to keep from rear ending you in your cute little Toyotas (nothing against Toyotas)! You clog up traffic making people late for work, school, church and Georgia football games (uh oh!!)... and it makes them want to speed even more. It pisses us off and then you have road rage on your bumper and no one gives shit if you're ran in the ditch or not as long as you get the hell out of the way.

I understand how some people get the overwhelming urge to choke the life out of some of the idiots that abound. Grr...

Unfortunately, another hoard of nightmares visited me again last night and the lack of sleep has left me in a  topsy-turvey mood. I feel calm and silly one minute and the next a single thought sends me into an uproar. CNN and MSN especially have me perturbed. Can anyone tell me what's happening in the world!? And no, I'm not talking about the governor of New York's sex life, what Obama said about Hilary and vice-versa. I could seriously give a shit less who Tori Spelling cheated on her husband with! Seriously!!

I need a coffee break.

Alright. I'm back and refreshed.

I just realized that I look like such a high-maintenance prep sitting here in the library with my Nano and my Macbook. (I've not forgot the picture, Sifa) Hmm.... Maybe I should put one away.

I'm currently very distracted at the moment. There is a guy sitting several tables away and I couldn't help but to notice this guy's mullet. I grew up in an area inhabited with rednecks still lodged in the 1980's with their cut up t-shirts and big hair bands and usually a mullet is not a huge shock to me. However, this guy's hair is like a smack in the face. It's the mullets of ALL mullets. But... he doesn't look like the redneck type at all. Hmm... It's obvious he's taken great care into styling his mass of hair. It's spiked at least 2 1/2 on top and reaches down his back... I wish I could aim my trusty cellphone at him and sneak a picture. Only then could one realize the extent of that thing. And if his mullet wasn't enough he's eating an omelet and hash browns on a ceramic plate obviously brought from home. In the library. I expect him to break out the jelly at any moment. It seems as though he made his breakfast in a rush and brought it to school...? That's more distracting and amusing than anything. Weird.

I've been thinking a lot about... stuff here lately. I confuse myself, but hey! What's new? I'll try my best to be more specific...

I sometimes worry about the choices that I make and how they will affect my life. After all, the decisions are a great part of what makes people -well- individuals. I know that's all natural. And how are we supposed to deal with the one's we've already made. No, I've not regretting anything I've done, I'm speaking in genera terms. I'm stubborn (stubborn but wishy-washy) and usually when I set my mind for or against something (something being ideas and beliefs) it takes a lot of prying to sway my thinking. Well... I think I'm that way. Or... I thought I was but now I'm not so sure. I don't understand how I can so easily go against what I thought I believed. It seems as though I'm -well- a bit weaker than I used to be. It doesn't take much for someone to alter my opinions anymore. I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older and I try my best to look at all sides of a situation and take into account everyone's ideas and opinions. I know that my knowledge and understanding of the government is a bit shabby but when it comes to most things but, regardless, I have a good idea about how this country is run. Then why, with a simple conversation, can my ideas about free trade or social change? It's not unintelligence, I know that.  And I know that we're supposed to weigh everything we hear or see and try our best to learn from it. I do that, or try to. I'm not stupid enough to believe every single thing I hear and see. But then... why is it that people, not people that I know very well and regard but the everyday Joe Blow, can cause me throw all of my thoughts and opinions into one bit mass until they're so mixed and unorganized that I can't decipher one from another?

It shocks me that at least part of me used to believe that Jesus was the son of God and now... I seriously doubt it. No... I more than doubt it. I've gone from being something of a Christian (I can't say I was ever a full believer) to... something else. In church I was told that the Bible was "the Word" and that  it had everything anyone needed to know about how to lead their life. The problem now is that I'm in school. I've learned enough to doubt it. I know enough about history to be certain that the Bible was shaped a lot by Romans and it was all political. (For you visitors, I'm not in the mood for an argument so please don't start one.) But I'm definitely NOT an atheist. I do believe in something. I don't have it in me NOT to believe in something. I'm too spiritual of a person. I just don't have any religion in me. I can see myself going to church every now and then, and I know I will, I'm just VERY dead set against any form of organized religion. I've read some of the teaching of Buddha and Confucius.  I've read the Book of Mormon, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the Egyptian Book of the Dead... parts of the Qua'ran. I've read a few books on Native American religions... tons of mythology... I'd really like to read the Torah and perhaps some pagan or Wiccan books. (Laine, if you read this perhaps you can recommend a few books) I can take something from nearly every religion and apply it to my life... Ugh.

Now I've gone off track... This isn't just a religious issue with me. It's an... everything issue. For the most part I know who I am. I've calmed down enough that I get along very well with my step-dad. He doesn't annoy me hardly at all now. My mom and I have been the point for a while where we can have a conversation on the phone without that tension. She laughs and tells me about what happens in Deputy and I keep here entertained with stories about Lizzy and Buster and what Josh and I sometimes do on the weekends... what movies we go to see and whatnot, about euchre games with Josh's family. I know I have made a bit of progress. Some of it has to do with my anti-anxiety pill but it's only part of the battle, in my opinion. I know what I want from life. To be honest, I have it with the exception  of my Jeep (which WILL be remedied soon) my degree, and insurance. I'm so lucky that not even I know how lucky I am. I've seriously hit the jackpot with Josh. I know I aggravate the shit out of him with my ridiculous-ity but I simply adore him. It's unreal how much you can feel for a person.

And I'm off track again. Grr... It seems I'm rambling on without getting my point across at all!! Nothing to me is more frustrating that being misunderstood. Dang.

One of my problems is that I want answers for everything. I can drive myself crazy at times wondering why in the hell things are the way they are. Josh has tried his best to help me with this and I know not everything has an answer but... I have trouble believing it, I guess. The simple "shit happens, it is what it is" idea just doesn't stick with me. It doesn't quench that agonizing desire for answers. I can't help but to think that maybe everything is all tied into something bigger.  I know things happen for a reason, to prepare us for every bump and pothole we run into in life... Anyway, what I mean to say is that all that crap I rambled about is tied into the fact that I'm persistently looking for answers. I know that and sometimes I can put it aside for a while but for some reason now it's bugging the life out of me.

This lack of intelligence and wishy-washyness makes me feel like I really don't know who I am. And the fact that I go totally against something I thought I believed (maybe even years ago) in makes me feels like I'm betraying myself. I guess what matters is what I believe now, right? I shouldn't think about what I did believe. It's just difficult not to because I know all the mess makes me Amanda...

Argh. I'm exhausting.