This will be my last post on Mindsay, possibly forever. I doubt most of you will notice as I haven't been all that active in recent history, and what I have been writing hasn't been all that interesting...at least by my standards. So why the sudden departure? For those you have been paying attention (raise your hands; I'll be shocked) very soon I'll be beginning the journey of a lifetime. In two days in fact. In just two days I'll be setting out on a plane to Buenos Aires, Argentina. I've been planning this trip for a long time, so long it seemed like it would never actually happen. It was just a really cool idea. A friend and I would book one way tickets to a country we've never been to at the very edge of the world, and I speak practically no Spanish, and then make our way with only God to guide us. Rather epic sounding isn't it? Not at all normal and barely realistic. Even with my adventurous imagination I didn't think I'd ever end up doing something like this. And now it's actually happening. In only two days.
I'd often wondered what I'd feel like as the departure date approached. For the longest time my life was so busy and full of other commitments and responsibilities that I could only devote passing thoughts to this trip. Now it is looming in front of me and is impossible to ignore. And honestly I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand I'm really exciting to be doing this. To reep the rewards of all my long hard work. On the other hand I'm somewhat mystified as I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing this at this moment. I thought I might feel like Frodo and Sam in the Lord of the Rings as they set out from their safe holes in the Shire for parts unknown, wonderous, and dangerous. Or like the heros in my favorite stories and video games as they began their quest, unsure of what would happen but immersed in purpose and glorious potential. It doesn't feel like that now. It doesn't even feel like I'm taking a vacation. I've invested too much in this venture to call it a regular vacation, but it doesn't quite have the epic feel I was expecting.
I've thought about why this might be and the answer was easy in coming to me, and it has nothing to do with the difference between fantasy and reality. In those stories of adventure and wonder such as Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, or even Final Fantasy there was always some end in mind; some purpose as to why the travelers were braving those perils in the first place. In short their journeys had a goal. Mine, at least for me, does not. You could come up with random things to try and add meaning to this trip, but many attempts don't seem to work. You could call it a long journey to make your way back home. Home is debateble to me, and right now I'm not really sure where that is. You could call it a vision quest where I aim to "find myself". I have a preety good idea of who I am already. Whether or not I act like that person is another discussion entirely. You could say my goal is to take in and see as much as possible, and to just enjoy the days in a carefree way. This trip does not have the feel of being completely carefree, and I am way too complicated an individual to put something like this in such simple terms. So there are dead ends all around.
However, I'm not being entirely honest. There was somewhat of a goal set for this trip. The friend who will be going with me thought it would be appropriate to make this trip about God, and seeing where His will would lead us and letting his plan for us unfold. I agreed wholeheartedly with this. However it's a rather vague ideal. It could be taken to mean anything. How do I know once I'm out there that I won't fall into a habit of just seeing everything as plain and regular and not recognize God's touch behind it? Sure I will be taking my Bible with me, but I've never had much success in studying the book before. To be fair, up until recently I only owned a King James translation and if you can understand that form of scripture I tip my hat to you. I have found a NLT version to take with me, and the moment I laid eyes on it that I knew it was for me. It's a small Bible locked in a metal cover to protect it from outside abuses, a bonus considering the conditions I will no doubt be experiencing. The metal cover is a deep red with a simple strong imprint of a burning flame above the word "Ignite". On the back is this verse:
His eyes were like flames of fire, and on his head were many crowns.Revelation 19:12
followed by the caption "The light of the world has come...ignite your fire". Being the symbolic mystical person I am, I got really excited over this. In my mind this is what a life of faith was supposed to be about. Lighting your spirit and burning bright. It's supposed to be exciting and purposeful. Something I'd wanted in my life and on this trip. Something only God can truly give.
Trouble is God and I have been rather quiet toward each other lately. It's hard to explain. I just haven't felt the same connection I had with Him as I have in the past. I don't know exactly why that is. It could be because I haven't been to church in a while, or it could have something to do with my surroundings. I enjoy spending time with my family. I really do. But every time I come back here it becomes very easy to slip into old roles. Things have improved dramatically over the years. This comes from acceptance of people for who they are and realizing how they act is not a reflection on you. You cannot change people. You can only work together with them while being true to yourself. I am much better at the former than the latter. And talking about faith is not something we really do around here. I don't really feel comfortable discussing it because it's not a subject people talk about around here, and some people wouldn't seem to be interested in discussing it period. And little things pop up here and there too. For example my sister and I are so drastically different I often find it amazing that one of us isn't adopted. Despite having the same parents we've developed two radically different lives. If she's telling me the truth she's done many things that I don't at all agree with or even understand. And I'm sure my life bores her to tears by her standards. I still love her of course, but we have so little in common that talking to her is letting her take the wheel and me sitting in the passenger seat, dispensing no effort whatsoever as I don't much see the point.
Even aside from all that, it just doesn't seem like God is speaking to me right now. And if I take every aspect of my faith litteraly that isn't possible. It seems much more likely that I can't hear him...or that I'm not listening. I recently read through all of the Narnia books again, and I especially like this passage from The Silver Chair. Aslan speaks to little Jill before she begins her journey:
"Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take great care that it doesn't confuse your mind."
This has often described my relationship with God. A few moments of pristine clarity in the otherwise confusing din of everyday life. I don't know if I've attributed God to only being in a certain place, but if I have that would be malproductive as God is supposed to be everywhere. It shouldn't matter where I am in this far reaching world: God's relationship with me shouldn't change because of my geography. If so, then why am I in the place I'm in now? Hard to say. All my life I've been searching and calling for something, and I like the way Mr. Lewis put it. Once more from Aslan's lips:
"You would not have calling to me unless I had been calling to you."
Hard to argue with that. From everything I've learned the Lord does not really force his way into your life and he doesn't just show up either. He must be invited by you by your own free will. I did that once and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced. Question is: do I have to do it more than once?
I suppose in the end this trip I'm embarking in on could still be centered in God. If there was a goal it could be to spread his glory or to at least secure it within myself. It's the best I can do at the moment. In a way this is a new beginning. My college life was three and a half amazing years, by far the best years of my life so far. Yet I did not feel a sense of closure when I left for the last time. Being very sentimental I usually would take a long walk around the campus and remember all the fun times I had while I was there. I didn't get to do that. I was too busy packing. And yet that chapter of life is over, and now I'm starting a new one with just as much promise but next to no structure. It's not a plan. It's life, and what will come I can't predict or control. I don't know if that scares me more than it excites me, but it definitely does both.
I have enjoyed my time here on Mindsay, and I may still float around to see what people are up to. If you want to find me though you'll have to look here: OneWayUnited.com. You can check in to see how my friend and I are doing and even make comments if you so choose. I'd like it if you did. Internet stalkers give me the creeps. When all is said and done though I have made one realization. If this adventure that I'm about to set out on has a theme song, a non-religous one at any rate, it would be this one. When I first heard this song it spoke to me as being very epic in its own right, even after the movie it followed. Coincidentally, it was the movie Narnia, and this music and these words speak to me in a very real way...except perhaps for the part about being a princess.
Wunderkind By Alanis Morissette
Oh, perilous place walk backwards toward you
Blink disbelieving eyes chilled to the bone
Most visibly brave no apprehended bloom
First to take this foot to virgin snow
I am magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
I am a wunderkind
And I live the envelope pushed far enough to believe this
I am a princess on the way to my throne
Destined to serve, destined to roam
Oh, ominous place spellbound and un-child-proofed
My least favorite shelter bear alone
Compatriots in face they’d cringe if I told you
Our best back pocket secret our bond full blown
And I am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
I am a wunderkind
And I am pioneer naïve enough to believe this
I am a princess on the way to my throne
Destined to seek, destined to know
Most beautiful place reborn and blown off roof
My view about face whether great will be done
And I am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
I am a wunderkind
I am a groundbreaker naïve enough to believe this
I am a princess on the way to my throne
And I am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
I am a wunderkind
I am a Joan of Arc and smart enough to believe this
I am a princess on the way to my throne
Destined to reign, destined to roam
Destined to reign, destined to roam
Destined to reign, destined to roam
Destined to reign, destined to roam
Goodbye and I wish you all the best. God bless.
~Adam a.k.a. LifeSong12702
end of days
