the holidays make me feel even more fat... and not just the food part. People give me clothing that is too large and it hurts. I mean honestly do I look that big to you? I hope not. I feel so disgusting inside and out. I have been thinking lately about my odd habits. I used to (and I still do often) discount my unusual behavior as normal.
Examples:
*I'm just picky
*I don't purge every day (and then I did so it became...)
*I don't purge more than once a day (but then I did...)
*I don't purge everything I eat
*I'm not really purging just um... rinsing my stomach
*I'm not starving myself! I just can't eat too much because it makes me want to purge!
The stomach rinsing is probably the oddest thing right? Basically that is when I drink a lot of water and then vomit and repeat the process till I get only water followed by bile and of course streaks of blood from my throat. Disgusting no? It is... satisfying though. I can't say it exactly feels good but there is an awesome sense of relief involved.
I really don't want to lose my hair. I'm not anywhere near a weight that would cause that to happen... but I haven't stopped this shit despite health complications more serious than hair loss so I don't know. Am I going to stop? Well so far I'm just taking vitamins and supplements. To be honest though one of the pills is supposed to speed my metabolism and another is a stimulant to give me energy. Should I just sleep more and eat better? Yes. Will I? No probably not.
health
