Hello. I find myself in a pretty similar situation. I was in rehab about a year ago but not for the anorexia. I did what therapists would call "better" for a while, also known as gaining 30 pounds. Then I was able to lose maybe 15 but I still look healthy enough for people not really to out right say anything to me about it. Sometimes I want to just get better and love myself and be able to sit down for a moment without my skin crawling, without constantly adjusting how I sit or my clothes because of fat. It seems like it would be nice to just be OK, you know? I have the resources, people who support me and such, but I hold myself back. I dont want to look healthy, I dont want to have meat, I dont want to look normal. I like my bones too, it's cool to move in ways so I can see them through my skin. I can even just sit and feel my bones, my shoulder blades and clavicle and ribs and wrists. I feel euphoric when I lose weight, like I'm high on a drug too amazing to be compacted into a pill or liquid or powder. But it's all i think about all the time, I'm never at peace. I can think for hours about all the things I hate about myself, how disgusting I am, how much I wish I could rip all the infectious fat off my body. I tell myself these things everyday and thinness is my obsession. My relationship with food can be the most important one in my life. I sacrifice so much to lose the weight. And sometimes I'll cry. I cry because I have wasted so many years caught in this selfish and destructive obsession. I have forgotten so many experiences because I rarely live in the present. I disregard those around me, ignore those who love me. I'm mean to them, you know. I dont know why but I'm so mean all the time. I guess feel like I dont know myself at all. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see a stranger looking back, or when I hear my voice it's unrecognizable. Sometimes the things I have done or the thoughts I have seem so foreign. I wonder if it's because I have lost so much time to myself, you know lost in my own obsession in my own head that I haven't really been living at all. I hate this disorder so much and I want it to go away. But I love it even more than I hate it and when it all comes down to it and everything else is gone I still have my obsession to turn to.
I dunno. Sorry I just rambled so much. I dont have anyone to talk to about it either, at least no one who will just listen and understand and not get angry and upset. Everyone is mean to me about it if I try to talk to them, well just my family. And after seven years of therapy I'm in the same place, actually worse, I dont really know where else to turn. I'm not proud of this but I am. It's such a controversial topic in my own head, like a battle between good and evil, Uh I truly think I'm psychotic sometimes.
Anyways, I'm always around if you want someone to talk to, or just someone to listen.

Hi,

Are you still on this blog? I don't know if I can help cause I suffer too but maybe we can be a support. I too am tired all the time. I have just lost my job but that was cause I had alcohol on my breath. I am not an alcoholic I don't think just use things to cope with feelings. I was having a bad day. I have been having a bad year as I got my second DUI. Yeah, I was coping with the job thing. I also have an eatingdisorder that has gotten very public after the DUI (my family found out). It used to be my secret. Anyways, I am going to try to stop the eating disorder just having some trouble with that as I have gotten myself in a world of trouble and I hate being in trouble.

Lately, I have grown very tired and I cant stomach any food at all. Maybe I am not the one to help. Geez, I sound crazy.  Anyways, if you want to chat.I am here.

Rachael