Horoscope for July

Aries
March 21 - April 20
Other peoples love is very important to you right now.  However, it is likely that you will only make yourself hated by being excessively clingy.  This is not a good month to be posting on forums, as you will be banned then mocked mercilessly by people far more intelligent than you, who are also not so fucking whiny.

Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You are stuck in a rut: be it in work, love or even in a cart.  This is because you try hard but never quite achieve anything great due to your overwhelming stupidity.  Actually, I'm lying.  You don't try hard at all - you are stupid and lazy.  Green and red are important colours for you this month as you look in the bathroom sink and vow you really will give up smoking soon.  You won't.

Gemini
May 21 - June 20
Make up your mind for Christ's sake!  People are starting to get really annoyed with your endless indecisiveness and sooner or later they will just stop caring about your opinion.  This is just as well, since it is worthless anyway.  Avoid salads this month, as you won't be able to decide which one to have and you will hold up the queue.

Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Some people are born leaders, but you aren't one of them.  You just think you are.  You will have a happy career in middle management until you realise that everyone really laughs at you behind your back.  Silver is an important colour for you - it is the colour of your wife's lover's Mercedes.

Leo
July 23 - August 22
This month is a good month for you to come out of the closet.  Not because you are actually gay, but because you don't think people have been paying enough attention to you.  Remember, the problem with pretending to be gay is that other gay people may well become interested in you.  This may sound fine at the time, but just before you have every crevice of your body intimately explored by three huge hairy men with bad body odour, you will wonder if it is really worth it.  Three seconds after that, you will decide not.  But by then it's too late.

Virgo
August 23 - September 22
It is your attention to detail that makes you incredibly boring to other people.  You might think your wallpaper collection is fascinating, but as soon as you start showing highlights from binder 32 to that lovely young lady in the pub, she will laugh at you so hard she will be drunkenly sick all over them then spill your half pint of shandy.  Don't try to change though, as you will fail miserably and be laughed at even more.  This month's lucky pattern is Paisley.

Libra
September 23 - October 22
You yearn for some kind of change to your insanely mediocre life, and this month you shall receive it.  Two possible paths will become available to you:  You could either meet a person form your past with an exciting hobby that will ignite an inner passion in you, or you could discover a new meaning to your job that will gain the respect and admiration of your peers.  However, it is far more likely that you will completely miss both, as you are such a fucking failure.

Scorpio
October 23 - December 21
Your gullibility stands you in good stead to become a valuable minion in a cult.  I suggest Scientology, as it's really in this season.  Tom Cruise practices it, so it must be fine!  Take pride in the fact that although you are regularly and easily exploited, you will probably be a lot happier than people who have to think for themselves.

Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
"It is better to give than to receive" is a fine maxim to live by, as long as it's other people doing the giving and you doing the receiving.  You haven't worked for any of it, but you know deserve it anyway because you are so much more beautiful than everyone else.  This month you will notice a wrinkle and kill yourself.

Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Why can't they see that you know everything?  I mean, your advice is the best out there on every topic around and you and the very small group of friends you surround yourself know this.  This month, you will be challenged on your views by someone who actually knows what they're talking about and this will tear your little world apart.  You will never forget this incident and will one day come back to kill them.  By then though, they will have completely forgotten who you are, making the whole act even more pointless and destroying that last little shred of your self esteem.  You WILL be anally raped in prison.

Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Hahahah!  Oh Christ, you will not believe what's going to happen to you this month.  I was going to say, but fuck!  It's just so wonderfully horrible.  I'm going to be following Piceans around all month, and I might even take a video camera.  Also a heavy duty raincoat, a mop and the phone number of several black market organ dealers.  Cos you know - waste not, want not.  You're fucked.

Thought for the Day:
"Remember, huge balls of rock and gas know far more about your day than you ever will."