Eurovision. Yaaay.

Today, for your pleasure(?), I have decided to prepare a brief review of the songs of that most noble and distinguished of competitions, the Eurovision Song Contest.  Why am I doing this?  I really don't know.  Why are you reading this?  Again, I cannot answer.  Why does this contest even exist?  It is as much a mystery to me as half of the countries on the list.  I would write more here, but that the longer I linger, the more I hear, the less I want to keep my ears screwdriver free.  So onwards!


Andorra
Performer: Jenny
Song: Sense Tu
Description: I've heard this song before.  In an 80's action film, just after the big explosion and the bit where the hero walks into the sunset hot love interest in tow.  That's right - the credits.  This is cheesy-action-film-credits-music.
Listened to: Whole thing.  Fancied some popcorn.
Points (semi-final used if not in final): 8

Albania
Performer: Luiz Ejlli
Song: Zjarr E Ftohte
Description:  I tried to say the name of the song and failed.  Albanian looks worse than Welsh.  Starts interestingly enough with the Albanian Elbow Horn being played, but that only lasts a few moments, then the song trails off like someone with ADD spotting a bee (presumably to allow the Elbowhornist's stretcher to arrive).  If you've ever heard generic eastern european pop, then you have heard this.
Listened to:  Whole thing.  Pretty inoffensive.
Points: 58

Armenia
Performer: Andre
Song: Without Your Love
Description: As above, so below.  Only with the Armenian Pubic Banjo, which crops up again now and then throughout the song.
Listened to:  Whole thing.  Twice.  I kept forgetting I was listening to anything.
Points:  150

Bosnia and Herzegovina
Performer: Hari Mata Hari
Song: Lejla
Description:  What happened to Yugoslavia?  I could pronounce that.  Anyway, this again starts off some folky bits, but this time continues with them throughout.  I would eat slightly stale food in a quaint native restaurant to this music, while the owners glare at me and plot my doom in their crazy moon language.  Also, the band name sounds like a section in the Karma Sutra.
Listened to:  Whole thing.
Points: 229!  Christ.

Belgium
Performer: Kate Ryan
Song: Je t'Adore
Description:  What is this?  Crashing minor chords?  Frantic synthesizer?  Could this be... interesting?  Oh, no, wait, Belgium comes through once more.  Hahahaha, you nearly had me for a moment Belgium, you card.
Listened to: 8 seconds.  Then I fell asleep.
Points: 69

Bulgaria
Performer: Marianne Popova
Song: Let me Cry
Description:  No, let ME cry.  Interestingly enough, the little squeaking sounds at the beginning are made by getting a small, endangered vole, drying its intestines, stringing them out over a board and then plucking at them with the vole's front teeth, still attached to its dismembered head.  This instrument is Bulgaria's chief export.
Listened to: 3 seconds, about five times.  I really couldn't go any further.
Points: 36

Belarus
Performer: Polina Smolova
Song: Mum
Description: I really didn't know what to expect from a song called 'Mum'.  I wasn't expecting distorted guitar, 80's rock chords and occasional Michael Jacksonesque whoops.  Also against my expectations of 'Mum' meaning something Deep and Meaningful in Belariun, it really did turn out to be a song about the artist's mother.  Bless.
Listened to: About a minute.
Points: 10.  For shame.

Switzerland
Performer: Six4one
Song: If We All Give a Little
Description:  Six4one, named after a special offer in the supermarket they work in.  The start sounds like the first few bars of a medical drama, then BAM!  Preachy show tune.  There are also about fifty members in this band, each of which sings one line, presumably to diminish the embarassment per member.   It fails.  I really REALLY hate this song.  I want to kill every one of them and build a toilet out of their bodies, while trapping their souls in the bowl so they spend eternity staring at my spotty arsehole.  Hate hate hate.
Listened to:  All of it.  Aargh.
Points: 30 too many.

Cyprus
Performer: Annet Artani
Song: Why Angels Cry
Description: Disney.
Listened to: 2 seconds.  Then came the sparkley bits, and I knew what I was in for.
Points: 57

Germany
Performer: Texas Lightning
Song: No No Never
Description: Maybe I've been listening to far too much crap music, but I didn't hate this too much.  It's light, catchy and devoid of any feeling or soul, in the true spirit of Eurovision.  It really sounds like a cover of something better, though.
Listened to: Whole thing.  I might even have tapped my foot!
Points: 36.  Robbed.

Denmark
Performer: Sidsel Ben Semmane
Song: Twist of Love
Description: The fifties are back in style!  Oh wait, no they're not.
Listened to: As much of it as I could stand, or about a minute.
Points: 170 wtf?

Estonia
Performer: Sandra Oxenryd
Song: Through My Window
Description:  This song filled me with apathy and depression.  I don't know why, as it's a fairly cheery upbeat pop song.  But it has spoiled my day now and will not be forgiven.  I need a drink.
Listened to:  Don't know, don't care.
Points: Fuck off. 28.

Spain
Performer: Las Ketchup
Song: Bloody Mary
Description: Either porn music or elevator muzak, I can't decide.  But if you ever wanted to film a dirty flick in a lift, you know what to go for.
Listened to: 30 seconds, or until making porn sounds got boring.
Points: 18

Finland
Performer: Lordi
Song: Hard Rock Hallelujah
Description:  Power Metal!  Yeah!  Wins the prize for best use of the words 'Arockalypse' and 'Rockening' ever.
Listened to: it repeatedly.  While slaying grim necro-yetis with my sword of frost.
Points: 292 and teh win.  Metal!

France
Performer: Virgine Pouchin
Song: Il Est Temp
Description: Inoffensive and uninspired TV drama/soap-opera music, probably undeserving of the score it got, but fuck it, it's France.
Listened to: the lot.  God, why did Nancy have to split up with Jim?
Points: 5.  Hahahahah!

UK
Performer: Daz Sampson
Song: Teenage Life
Description:  Aargh.  Christ.  Words cannot express how ashamed I am to be even associated with the nation responsible for this travesty.  I thought Estonia had stopped me caring, but I was wrong.  There was still a little part of my soul waiting to be mauled.
Listened to: Far too much.
Points: 25

And here I leave it for the time being.  There's still a few more to do, including Latvia (which sends me into mad giggles whenever I hear it) and the wonderfully named Arsenium from Moldovia, but I can't do any more right now.  Perhaps later.

Thought for the Day (thanks to my Aunt Karen):
"Why does a crab have its liver in its head"?