Wow. I had a time trip today while I was in the car. Not like I haven't heard the song countless times over the years but today it occurred to me that it's 10 years later and so much has happened. I'm thinking about all the choices I've made between 1998 and now, how 10 years ago I made several decisions to shape my life and wondering whether I've saved my life or ruined it. That year I fell into my career path, watched my parents get back together and met my now-ex-husband. I remember distinctly waking up early with him one morning, when things were all bright and new, and the promise of a new relationship makes you happier than anything. I stopped to pick up a bagel and coffee on the way to work and this song was playing. This song always reminds me of him, but not in a bad way. It does make me a little sad, though, because of the way things turned out, but not at they way they turned out. I've never regretted my decision to end the marriage but it does hurt sometimes to remember the person I thought he was, to remember the way that early fall felt. Is this nostalgia? Maybe it's more that I miss the way that time felt, full of hope with a new job, a decently pieced-together family, a man who I thought loved me.
If I had decided to stay in SA instead of moving with him to Austin, how much different would my life be? Would I still have developed FM? Would I have ended up with my cop and working in that arts job I turned down to be with my ex? Within two years we were married and in two more years we'd fallen apart. And I never miss him, but I miss having someone. It's amazing how much more I put up with from the next guy than I did from him. The jobs I've left, the decision to stay in Austin, watching my elderly parents struggle from far away -- what have these things cost me? Or earned me?
And lest I sound sad, I'm not really. Very contemplative and a little melancholy, but it's more self-reflection than brooding that's my mood. The difference between 28 and 38 and all that's happened between the two.
