It’s just awful. It's fried due to all my dying and straightening and not taking care of it. It's also a really gross shade of blonde (the brown I got done last month has faded out). I don't see any more reason to keep it, especially since I have bald spots due to trich. And it'll take months before I can comfortably leave my hair down without being self-conscious about my bald spots. But who says that I won't pull a new bald spot by then? I figure that shaving my head (or cutting it less than a cm, same difference in my mind, really) will be a new beginning for me, and the hair that grows in will be my natural colour, and healthy. My hair right now is like straw...the same colour and everything. I can't stand to even look at it never mind touch it. In fact, I've been pushing it all back into a ponytail, and using a headband for my bangs because I can't stand to even touch my face. I hate it.

Of course when I do this (which will be within a month) I will be wearing a wig all the time, because no matter what I'm still self-concious and won't have the guts to show my bare head in public. But I still take this as a way to improve my self-confidence and have a new beginning.

Unfortunately, my parents don't see it that way. About an hour ago I brought out the phone book and my parents asked me why.

"Because I'm calling a place,” I told them
"What place?"

"A wig store."

"Ohhh stop it!" they said.

And from there was an argument. Not much of one really. The main thing they kept saying was "It's foolish!" But whenever I asked why they never gave a reason. Why is it foolish for me not to have security-blanket hair?

Why is it foolish for me to want to have a new beginning and help my trichotillomania?

Why is it foolish for me not to waste money on hair dye and products to try and “fix” my hair when I could just cut it off and have natural healthy hair?

Ok, granted, wigs are 250 dollars or more, but I'll be using it all the time once I buy it, and seeing it as “dollars per use”, it's not that bad. And this will probably be a one-time deal: I've learned my lesson about excessive hair dying. And once I shave/cut my hair really short, I won't have any to pull. I see it as an advantage for me to not have hair at this point. I don't see why my parents think having a shaved head as a bad thing. It's hair, not an arm or a heart. I can live without it.

The funniest thing in that argument was when my mom said "You're going to need your hair for the winter!"

Jeeze...I know we have really cold winters, but this is my first time hearing about deaths among people with shaved heads, lmao.

Regardless of their opinions, I will be doing this once I can get a wig. It'll boost my self-confidence and get rid of my vain “ways”. After all, I am not my hair. I don’t understand why they think I am. Are they going to be ashamed of having a daughter with a shaved head? If so, that’s really pathetic. I’m already half way there with my bald spots, why not just “finish the job”? Or am I supposed to wait till I pull it all out? Sure, I haven’t pulled in 9 days, but that doesn’t mean I won’t again. I’d like to think that I won’t pull, but this is an “addiction” and relapse is very much possible.  

-Kristal St. Jean