I don't know where to start. I really don't.
My Life really is a sham right now. I'm 18 since last Wednesday, and honestly, at first it didn't feel like anything special. I expected something amazing. Something almost out of a movie or a dream.
There i would be, walking into school, going to AB module like normal, and playing superbly in Band. Well, i did, but i didn't get praise, only a put down by Jack. Then after AB i imagined walking up to the student lounge and being greeted by my friends, "Happy Birthday" they would shout, and present me with a card, or a present, or just a hug a pat on the back, something. But the reality was me walking up to the student lounge, no friends to greet me, not hugs, just nothing. It was the most ridiculous thing i could imagine. I also hoped that maybe my friends would have maybe made a locker sign for me or something, but no. I put all of this expectation, only to experience the worst ego crash ever. What really made the day terrible was after bowling, my dad took me out to Northgate Mall. I never thought so, but he didn't buy me a present before that. He bought me a computer game, which i had wanted, but i had told him that i wanted that game before hand and showed it to him. His purpose for going was to find a Jacket for me. We never bought one. We did find one however, but i hate the price. That was disappointing.
I've already posted about that day, and everything that happened after that. But the real reason for this whole entry is because i feel like shit, i feel like genuine grade F shit.
I'm Failing my LA class
My brothers and sisters are upset at me for making my birthday a big deal
Alex is upset at me for not trying hard enough
My mothers upset at me for everything
I'm also failing my Art class.
I'm sick from all the stress
I'm coughing up blood mixed with mucus.
My head feels like its going to burst.
I'm just not good enough for everyone
My sister and my niece both wrote e-mails to my mom. I'm reacting to them, yes. But basically the gist of both emails was that my mother should ignore my behavior because I'm just a Self-centered kid who needs to grow up. I don't know how to take that. I really don't. I thought that i was a compassionate person, who cared for everyone, to the point where he would take their pain on as his. Can a compassionate, caring, and loving person really be self-centered? I don't believe they can. So if they can't, and thats the way others see me, as a self-centered little brat, and i see myself as something different, then what am I to do? Am i really just back to square one in life again? I have to redefine who I am, and the image i portray to others. The problem is...i don't know how, or even know if i want to. I've liked the guy i have been, because i thought i was caring, in fact, wouldn't you have to be if you went on Kairos? I'm so confused, and I'm so depressed.
I want to hide in a hole and pretend i don't exist.
