Today

Happy 18th birthday to me. No, never mind, not really.

Last night Alex was upset, and i ended up being too tired to get what i wanted to say out properly and made a hard situation terrible by mixing my words. So it started with me going to sleep depressed.

I woke up this morning to my dad pounding on the door twice to get me up. Needless to say i was later than normal getting to school.

At Jazz Band, A/B module, i managed to play a High D, and for me thats the highest note i can play, and i was really proud of myself. I turned to Jack Papin to get recognition for it and well he just stood there facing forward and said "I hit it all the time, no big deal". Well to me it was a big deal, and that made my morning worse.

After Band, i went out into the student lounge. Well...at that point i didn't want anything to do with anyone, so i avoided everyone. I know, pretty emo thing to do. Well, i ended up falling asleep in the student lounge, and Mrs. Purcell woke me up and wanted to see if i was ok, so she started to just talk to me. It was wonderful, but at the same time I didn't want it, i just wanted to be left alone.

1st period bell rang, and i went to class...I don't want to go into specifics because it would take forever, but the overall gist of today was: I was depressed from the start, and the fact no one cared it was my birthday made it worse.

I shouldn't say no one, there were a few people who texted me who i know had to go out of their way to do so. But thats the thing...they cared and they showed it. About 9 people said "Happy Birthday" to me in the halls. That was all but fulfilling. 

Also, at school, i wanted to just be with Alex. But of course because of stupid Drama politics, i couldn't, and that made the pain even worse. Then after school, i just couldn't stand being there any more, and left...

Bowling was fine today, well practice that is, I bowled a 161, 116, and a 149. All decent scores...then we ordered a new bowling ball, and hopefully it will be done tomorrow.

Then me and my dad went to Northgate Mall. I don't know why i let him take me there. We looked for the jacket that i wanted, we checked JC Penny's, Nordstrom, and finally found it at Macy's. But the jacket is a little on the expensive side. So my dad is going to deliberate buying it for me. What ever, its just a jacket right?

I got home...and honestly, this has been the worst birthday ever. I got home, i go downstairs to say hello to my mother and give her a belated birthday present herself, and she's there sobbing her eyes out. I don't know if you ever had that experience or not, but on your birthday it becomes something far worse than you can imagine. I held her for a while, then we had dinner, haphazard chicken strips...and the "cake" was a joke...I know my mother was trying to give me something similar to a birthday, and I'm luckier than most...but honestly nothing helped.

My presents were as follows: World of War Craft : Burning Crusade, Art Easel from Northwest Arts and Frame, and a new computer chair.

I don't care about the quality, and I LOVE the thought and care put into the gifts. But my dad BOUGHT the damn game RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I never asked for an Easel, and i never asked for a new chair. They bought them for me because they knew i didn't ask for them, my mother TOLD me that. I don't care for presents, I care for the thought put into them and about whether they listened to me or not, and its clear, they didn't.

Could the day get worse after that? Yes, it quite can. After i put the chair together, comfy as it is, i went downstairs to see how my parents were doing, and well, my dad sent me to give my mom another hug. My mom was bawling her eyes out because of my sister. My sister pulled herself out from her life so that she could come to terms with my grandfathers death earlier this year. I can understand the need for it, but my mother can't. Something got to me after i stood there embracing her. I went up to my room and cried for the first time in about 9 months.

My birthday sucked from the morning up after. I was supposed to get the bowling ball yesterday, but Robbyn forgot. The presents don't mean anything to me. And worse of all, my mother starts crying about my sister because she texted me in the morning telling me "happy birthday".

Right now, i honestly feel like no one gives a rats ass about today, or about me. Today is my god damn birthday. Today is a celebrating of my birth, yet no one seemed to really celebrate. I want to feel wanted and loved in this world. But even my own god damn parents are crying about my sister on my birthday. I'm fucking 18 years old now as well. Isn't that one of the few landmark birthdays? I thought it was. But now i see that it really doesn't matter. And if that doesn't matter, what do I matter eh?

Fuck All. Today Sucked.