Hi guys...

This entry's a little messed up...at best.  I just need a little perspective from any and everyone who stumbles across it and actually reads the entire thing.  Please and thank you...I think my girlfriend and I may be coming to an end soon, and I am just using this letter as an accomplice.  I will definitely do it face to face, but in situations like that, the words inside your head often disappear...without a trace.  The letter would fill in the blanks...

Thank you everyone.

-Kev-

Thursday, March 30, 2006

 

Hi Sweety…

 

There’s so much I have and need to say, so I guess I’ll start by telling you that I love you; more than anything I’ve ever encountered, and more than any person I’ve ever met.  I love you for everything you are, everything you make me, and for everything you’ve done for me.  I love you for everything you’ve brought into my life, but most importantly, I love you for bringing me into, and making me a part of your life…your world.

 

The past nine and a half months have been nothing short of amazing, and although there’ve been some rough patches, we’ve made it through, and we’ve made memories to last a lifetime…at least for me anyway.  You’ve taught me so much, and I hope you’ve been able to take away something positive from this whole experience.

 

We knew from the start of this relationship, that it would be tough to maintain, but we both cared too much to walk away without trying.  So on Thursday, June 16, 2005, we started something…something amazing?  To me, yes; and I hope somewhere along this line we’ve walked, you’ve felt the same.

 

Everything aside, the true purpose of this letter is to say goodbye.  Even though it kills me to do it, I have to…for both our sakes.  Everything has been an absolutely amazing experience, with the exception of February 25^th, and most of the 26^th. 

 

Somewhere along my life’s journey, I’ve discovered two horrible truths about words:  They can never be unsaid; and no matter how hard you try to ignore their echoes, sometimes you just can’t escape them.

 

The words you said to me last night would echo in my head forever, if I didn’t do what they were asking me to.  I’ve been able to ignore everything negative anyone has ever told me about us, but the night you said the same thing, everything changed.  I know that at the end of the conversation we decided that nothing changed, and that the conversation was meaningless since nothing had come of it; and that’s why this needed to be done.  Things had changed…that conversation wasn’t meaningless.

 

That conversation was meant for me to see how things really were for you.  It’s true that I too had realized a long time ago how much time we didn’t spend together, but I clung to the hope that one day things would change.  I dreamt that one day we’d be able to be a normal couple who spent time with each other, and never had to circumvent anything or anyone.  When you told me that you held no such hope, you opened my eyes to a truth I’ve wrestled with before, but had quickly dismissed:  I was chaining you to MY hopes and MY dreams, without realizing that you didn’t share them.  You said that you were sorry for bringing it up, and that you were willing to go with whatever I decided; but in truth, that’s what had eventually led to that conversation wasn’t it? 

 

You told me that you were happy with us and how we were afterward, and that we were perfect just how we were.  How could I make peace with that ever again knowing the words you had spoken minutes before?  The truth is I never could.  I love you far too much and far too deeply to ever make you do something you don’t want to do, or force you into a situation you didn’t want to be in. 

 

I’m sorry I was never able to be the one who could give you a normal relationship.  If I was, then perhaps we could share the kind of relationship that people only read about in books or watch on TV…you should try and understand how much my heart is breaking right now while my mind is trying to put all the thoughts in my head into some sort of coherent form that brings us to an end.  When I first started thinking about this, it was the day after during work, and for hours upon hours I fought back the tears that I swore would never come.  But they did…and I cried, and I cried.  I blinked so many tears away, that I was surprised to find there were still so many left.  I’m happy that Chris and Daniel and Matt were understanding, and did their best to help accommodate my moment.  I’ll love them forever for that. 

 

I don’t want this.  I know I don’t need this.  I know that I want you, and that I need you so badly, and that to an extent, you feel the same way.  It’s just that the medium, our relationship, isn’t giving you all that you need to be fully satisfied. 

 

I knew that someday we’d get to this point, and that it would either show us what we can overcome, or what it takes to break us.  I knew that eventually you would compare our relationship to the others, and in the end you’d see the truth that maybe you already knew existed:  We could never be them.  All the time I clung to the idea that even as a compromised couple, we were better than most fully functioning ones.

 

There has never been a time where I’ve questioned my love for you or your love for me; and never had I questioned my happiness with you or your happiness with me…our happiness with us.  After than night, I’d be lying if I said I still didn’t.  I could never be happy knowing that you weren’t.  I know you told me at the end that you were, but look inside yourself sweetheart, and know that you were compromising…you were settling…something I made you promise you would never do.  I love you, present tense.  That’s the truth.  I long for your happiness regardless of whether it’s with me or not.  If you’re not smiling, then the light of my world has left me.

 

 You’ve made me one of the happiest people in the world.  I think you know that you can ask anyone about that, and they’d tell you the same.  Yes I’ve shed some tears, but they’re only out of sheer frustration, not sadness.  You make me so entirely happy, that it’s unfair to keep you knowing I don’t do the same for you.  So this is goodbye my heart…I never thought I’d be the one to break my own heart in this relationship, but it needed to be done so that you could be free…free to be as happy as you know you deserve to be.

 

I love you.

 

                                                                                                Love,

                                                                                                          Kevin