Today an
elderly gentleman who I was holding a door open for at
MACY'S returned my
"Merry Christmas" with a
"Happy Holidays!". Can you believe that shit?
Upon hearing this I slammed the door shut, punched him in his gut and said,
"Its Christmas time, bitch! Buddy fuckin' Holly didn't die on the cross for us...Christ did and you will respect his sacrifice or suffer dearly!!!"
So after setting Granpa straight I went into
MACY"S to do a little shopping and lo and behold what do I see? Not one
"Merry Christmas" sign in the entire joint. Oh no but there were countless
"Happy Holidays" signs. Well that brought my buzz from kicking the crap out of the old guy crashing down to earth.
I ripped down a few of the signs and marched straight to the chick behind the makeup counter who looked like a
sad clown and smelled like a
french whore...I asked her, "Hey,
Cruella, where the hell are the
Merry Christmas signs? Do you doubt that this is the season of the
Christian? Are you some kind of
godless atheist?" then I told her, "Unless you want me to jump over this counter and beat you like your
pimp should have before you left the house this morning you'll hang some goddamn
"Merry Christmas" signs in this dump!"
That left her in a heap of
runny mascara and made me feel the warmth of the season. Needless to say I didn't buy anything in that store.
Then as I'm driving home i see a sign in front of a preschool that read
"Holiday Pageant Today"...wtf? There was no way I was gonna let a bunch of snotty nosed little brats give the middle finger to
my Jesus. Not on my watch, nosireebob. So I hung a U-Turn and drove right through the front door of the den of
pint-sized heathens with my car radio blasting
"Jingle Bell Rock". The spineless parents and teachers all ran for the hills but those children of the damned just stood there with a look of slackjawed amazement.
I jumped out of the car and ran to the stage yelling "Merry Christmas, motherfuckers!" the whole way and taking a few shots at any adult who dared to stand betwen me and those terrible tots. Once I got to the stage the leader of this pagan cabal walked up to me with a devilish grin and said the witchy words that will be burned into my brain for an eternity..."
Happy Hanukah,
Joyous Kwanzaa and Happy Holidays, sodomite!", he then waved his hand and I was swarmed by a bunch of
darksided anklebiters.
The battle was fierce, these 4 year olds were skilled and brutal fighters...some of them had to be trained in
mixed martial arts. I was overwhelmed by the sheer numbers and thought that i would soon be meeting my
sweet, sweet Jesus when I spied something out of the corner of my eye...an
ecdysiast (look it up!) from the local gentlemen's club (that was serendipitously located next door to the pre-school) standing on the hood of my car that was still in the hole in the wall I created earlier. She began singing
"What Child Is This?" while gyrating like
Tawny Kitaen in a
Whitesnake video and her melodic tones gave me the strength and courage to rise up against my attackers.
It was a
glorious battle that saw me win by ripping the head off of the leader of this
anti-Christmas cult and using his headless body to beat his followers into submission.
Afterwards I grabbed my
earth angel (whose name was
Alize) and we went back to her place of business to clean the little kid chunks off my coat and have a Christmas lap dance.
A fitting reward for a true
God Warrior.
Merry Christmas everyone.
christmas
