Trip Cancelled

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katmanndoo

Trip Cancelled

Tags:

disappointed

dysfunction

psycho mother

trip cancelled

We were going. I had decided within the short time after I posted the previous blog that we were definately going on the 15 hour road trip to visit my Mom. I talked to my brother while my Mom was at work, in hopes that I could persuade him to do some cleaning for her. My Mom can be picky about her house, now that there are no children living there, when she has someone coming over. I figured he could scrub the main bathroom, since he's the only one who uses it, vacuum, and pick up. He didn't say he would, but that doesn't even matter. My Mom got home from work, saw the caller ID where I had called, talked to my brother, and found out my plans all before I could call her and tell her myself.

Now back up a few days and we go to where my Mom has been having trouble getting things with the utility companies straight. Most of them were in my dad's name, and when he died 2 years ago she didn't have them switched. The power company is some sort of co-op where they put money into a sort of savings account for you. She just found out there was a rather large sum of money in the account, and is trying to get it released to her. Going through this process she found out there were several things she should have done to publicly declare my father's death, and she is now, 2 years later, trying to get it done. I found all this out last night, but this has nothing to do with my decision to visit.

Fast forward back to today. I went to the store after the kids got home, and then we were all outside for a bit. I came in to cook dinner, and picked up the phone to call my Mom. I had not been back to the computer to check my email at this point. When I called her she asked if I had gotten her email, which I had not. Here is the email she sent me...

"Tony just told me you are planning to come here next week. I don't see how in the world you would do such a thing. That's way too much for you to try with all the children. You cannot possibly be thinking this out. I don't need you to come. I have got the free lawyers down town to help me with everything.

Don't worry about a thing. Why are your schools out for spring break this late in the year?

I hope you call me tonight and tell me why you are doing this. Also why would you call Tony and tell him and not say a word to me?"

Gee, as if I wasn't already frustrated and angry from the phone conversation. On the phone she had told me not to come, and that if my husband were with me it would be ok. So there's the part where she has no confidence in me, and it came out in the email too. It even reads as if she is calling me stupid because I "can't possibly be thinking this out". I can't recall now our entire phone conversation, but it was not good.

So here is the very not nice email I sent her back...

You are always telling me what you think I should have said to you, and you get upset because I didn't say what you think I should have said. Just this once it would have been nice for you to say what I would have liked to hear. It would have been nice if you said you had confidence in me that I could make a trip like that by myself. Instead, even though you didn't use the words, what came across is that you think I'm a failure and that I can't do anything by myself. I've been alone with these kids for nearly a year. It would have been nice to come down there and know that I could go to a store completely alone for once, or even just walk around the block alone. But no, I can't do that because you don't believe in me.

There is no way I could straighten out what you are doing right now. I don't know why you would think that's why I wanted to come down there. I wasn't lying about Spring break being next week. Not all schools have it at the same time everywhere. School here goes to nearly the end of June and that's why spring break is late. We also get an extra week out of school in February that southern schools don't get. Do you doubt that? It's like you think I was going to take my kids out of school for a week to come down there. I would do that if Dale were here and that was the only time he could take off. Just because NC had break this week doesn't mean we do also.

As for telling Tony and not you....I called Tony first because I thought I could ask him to help clean the house before we came, cause I know that's always a big deal for you. That's why. We weren't plotting anything against you if that's what you think. In fact I was pissed with him by the end of the conversation because of how he doesn't help you out at all. It was too late to call last night when I decided we were going to come down there, and you were working today. That's why Tony knew first.

The reason I mentioned plotting against her is because she brings things like that up all the time. I have to constantly convence her that I am on her side. I do, however, feel that she has some sort of mental illness. I've felt this way for years, and used to joke to my dad and brother that they should put Prozac in her coffee. LOL Sounds funny, but for about the past 10 years she has been suspicious of everyone around her, and noone has ever given her reason to feel that way. I also sent her another short email after that to let her know that her 9 year old (tomorrow she'll be 9) granddaughter cried when I had to tell her that we weren't going to see grandma. I had told the kids as soon as they got off the school bus that we were going.

So there's another insight into my dysfunctional family. You just don't know the half of it! Maybe someday I'll write about it all, but not anytime soon.

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wonderingsoul on

Re: Trip Cancelled

I'm really sorry things happened this way. My very first thought was "Why would she think you were only coming down to help here? Why can't you just come to see her, since you haven't seen her in 2 years?" But if she's got some paranoia issues going on, that's probably part of it. I'm sorry the kids are disappointed too. It's not like you can tell them that grandma doesn't want to see them, even though that's how it seems. I think making the plans for the trip was wonderful on your part and you had thought it out, right down to how to inconvenience her the least, and it's too bad she doesn't see it that way. She's missing out on a fun time with her daughter and grandchildren. I can't really say more than that because we've all got dysfunctional families and I kinda let 'er rip on my blog earlier tonight about something with mine...I guess that's why friends are so great - we get to pick them!!

Btw, Happy Birthday to your daughter tomorrow.

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katmanndoo on

Re: Trip Cancelled

You know, I've always kinda thought babies are born extremely intelligent and that we all just grow stupid as time passes. It would be nice if babies could communicate all that they knew and pick their own families!!! I would never have chosen the one I ended up with, and I knew this about 30 yrs ago.

As for the trip, I had tossed around the idea about a month ago too, and didn't think I was up for it. This would have also been an opportunity to visit with 2 of my bestfriends of over 19 years. I mentioned that to my Mom and she said "oh, so that's why you want to come down here." WTF????

I haven't been to your blog today. I'll try to check it out before the night is over. Thanks for the birthday wishes for Caitlin.

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wonderingsoul on

Re: Trip Cancelled

LMAO, I like that logic! And let me tell you, if we could communicate all we knew when we were young and then pick our own families, there'd be a lot of lonely people in this world. My dad would have never chosen his family. There are certain members of my family I wouldn't have chosen. But then there are those rare few that make up for all the rest, right?

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katmanndoo on

Re: Trip Cancelled

It's funny how we can look at our extended family and think "gee, I wish I were born to that uncle, or this aunt." And we wonder how our own parents turned out so differently then their own siblings who were raised by exactly the same set of parents.

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wonderingsoul on

Re: Trip Cancelled

OMG, I know!! My mom and her siblings are all so different. There are some circumstances that can be a factor, but even so, if you're all raised in the same home with the same parents, its crazy how different they all can turn out.

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labsnabys on

Re: Trip Cancelled

Oh, Kat, I'm sorry. I know well the dysfunctional family thing. I often get comments from my parents like that, although they are learning that I don't put up with it. I'm glad you wrote the e-mail. She needs to hear it.

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katmanndoo on

Re: Trip Cancelled

Thanks. It's good to know you think I did the right thing. I forgot to add the email she sent back after that, but it was all about her, and how she was worried I would wreck. HELLO! My children would be in the car. Again, I'm dumb enough to let myself get so tired I fall asleep at the wheel and kill us all.

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misshap on

Re: Trip Cancelled

Here you were trying to do something nice and it backfired on you. That's too bad. I think you were right to respond and give her another viewpoint to consider. When your parents get older sometimes they feel like they are losing control of things, and hang on tightly to trying to make all the calls. I'm sorry your trip was ruined! The poor kids.

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katmanndoo on

Re: Trip Cancelled

Yeah, thanks. Now she's saying she's the one who is hurt. I'm just going to scream.....ahhhhhhhhhhh...nope, it didn't help, but it did scare my kids. hahaha

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snuggs on

Re: Trip Cancelled

oh gawd. mothers and daughters. wierd relatives. putting the fun in dysfunction. we've all been there, sweetie. i think the main thing is, you wanted to go, you meant to go, and your mom said "no." YOU know you could have made that trip; it's sad if she believes otherwise. and i think your brother spilled the beans on purpose. for several reasons. s'ok. spend time with your kids this next week...go to the zoo, go to the planetarium, go have a picnic. you were going to spend gas money driving to your mom's, so...just know in your heart that you've already broken the pattern your mom set. (((((((((((kat)))))))))) if it's not one thing, it's your mother. *g*

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katmanndoo on

Re: Trip Cancelled

The zoo is a very good idea! I hadn't even considered it, but we will definately go now...if it doesn't rain the entire week. We might even head to Canada for an afternoon. Thanks.

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olokun on

Re: Trip Cancelled

*hugs* i know how it feels for plans we were looking forward to being cancelled. look at this way, you'll save a mint in gas. maybe you can use that money for a mother's day out or sitter for the day. parents.

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katmanndoo on

Re: Trip Cancelled

Thanks. I think I'll be taking the kids to the zoo and other places around here. Maybe even a trip to Canada if my military ID is all I need for myself.

I don't have any babysitters.

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olokun on

Re: Trip Cancelled

i know how that is. i had no baby sitters either. well no, i had my daughter's dad who was pretty consistent about getting her on weekends. but, after we moved from my home town, i had no one. it was lonely and i never got a break except when she was at school or school holidays. you don't even get that....my heart goes out to ya.

Canada? now that would be cool. I wish I could come along.

Have you heard from hubby? My love is very busy these days and for the past month I slacked with my usual 2-3letters a week and I think he's disappointed in me. It was just beginning to hurt my heart too much. i needed a break so i took one. to make up i have written and mailed a letter a day for the past week or so.

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katmanndoo on

Re: Trip Cancelled

Your guy will probably get those letters all at once, and be like Wow! haha We don't write actual letters, just email. I hear from my husband every couple of days by email. He did call this morning to wish our daughter a belated happy birthday. She turned 9 yesterday, and he was too busy to get to a phone at a decent hour while she was actually at home.

Is your guy in a safe place, or does he have to move around? My husband doesn't travel at all unless they do a ceremony at the Palace. I don't think the Palace is inside their camp anyway. I could be wrong though.

Yes, Canada is only about 30 minutes from us, to just cross the border anyway. I've never left the country, so it would be nice to drive over for the day.

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olokun on

Re: Trip Cancelled

i don't know where he is. he is under top security clearance. i guess that is why i don't know.

Canada...I would so love to go to Canada.