My feelings for Sergio are not going away....it is so weird. I have never felt this way before. I cannot concentrate in my job....which is super difficult because I am still in training and all of it is going "way over my head" (well, another co-worker has the same problem too...the new stuff is complicated)....and wow, I am actually considering giving a notice! I told my self I would not work at a call center again and would try my hand at new and fun jobs....as long as I can pay my school loan payments and car payments, I will be fine, right!? So, what is holding me back!? Fear...fear fear...gotta get rid of it.
Want to travel the world,....but would be nice to win the lottery first.....travel with Sergio, teach English in Chile or in any South American country for that matter.
I know I shouldn't put all my happiness into a man, I have learned that before, have been heartbroken.... I know I should put God first and then my problems won't feel so big, but I love Sergio.....how does one make the balance between loving God and loving your partner? I cannot put my eggs all into one basket. I know he doesn't want to hurt me...this man is different. Maybe that is why I couldn't break up with him...since he is such a nice guy......so loyal, hard-working, funny, cute, caring, giving,...even though he is on the other side of the world! wow, these are big life situtations!
I told myself the first time that I studied overseas, that I would not let a South American man try to fall in love with me......i have heard of silly stories about that before....latinos trying to marry white girls to get to the U.S. But this one is different. If getting to the U.S is part of his agenda, he sure is patient, loyal and cool/calm. But I know that is not his agenda.....I truly know he is in love with me....and I with him. I have seen tears in his eyes when i told him I am unsure about if I want to continue this or not....as I was and still am afraid of all the complications that an international relationship can produce. I think, if marriage is not an option here, I don't want to continue torturing myself/ setting myself up for heartbreak...but he says that we will not break each others' hearts...no one can guarantee that! no one!
This is something SERIOUS! I don't know what to do. I want to just cry, scream, sleep all day, not work, go back to him ASAP, hug him, kiss him..........or just forget the whole thing...and start over from square one....how in the heck could I do that? I don't want to hurt him or me! I guess this is my first....REAL, SERIOUS relationship...so that could be the problem...of course, it has to be a long distance one...a real unique one!
hmmm.............my mom thinks I should go for it....she loves him and it brings back too many memories that she had of a long-distance thing she had when her boyfriend went overseas for the army when she was young...and she cut it off with him ...and she said she felt lost afterwards and doesn't want that to happen to me...I have seen her in tears about my situation too....ughhh....
ok....I am revealing too much....sounds like something that could be put on Dr. Phil or somehthing!
later
K8T
love
