RULES FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT

No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas.

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy stains

Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.

Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.

You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.

Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.

The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.

Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".

If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.

Coffee machines only break down on the graveyard shift.

Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.

You will only forget to go to court when the case is presided over by the meanest Judge in town.

To error is human, to forgive is against department policy.

You will find a "police discount" one day before payday.

Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

You will remain in perfect health until your days off.

Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.

Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.

The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you.

Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.

Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.

You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions.

If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.

Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.

Bullet proof vests might be.

The number of citizen that approach you during lunch is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to eat.

Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.

Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density.

Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket.

NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.

Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.

You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training.

The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting.

Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.

Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder.

You receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first day of your paid for, nonrefundable vacation.

In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks.

Do unto others, but do it first.

Eat right, Exercise, Die anyway.

You will be called into work on your day off when your family has planned a party at the lake.

Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat.

Waterproof boots aren't.

You will be flagged down by a citizen when you are on your way to the PD with a bad case of diarrhea

You will only be stopped for speeding off duty when you have forgotten your badge and DL

Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off.

There will be no parking spaces around the court house when you are running late to appear.

There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.

You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.

You will only be subpoenaed to court at 0900 hrs in the morning after working an 18 hour day.

To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible.

Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you off-duty.

The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee.

No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea...usually the Chief's

If your patrol car's air is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog.

On the nights where you have to go grocery shopping in uniform, you will get pissed on by a drunk.

When your in a hurry, that is when all slow and "lack of attention" drivers are driving on the road.

You always have a big use of force on your Friday before your vacation.

Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you

If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house

The one time you cuss on the radio, your chief will be listening

Your overheads and siren will only fail during a pursuit

You will only roll through a stop sign when your Chief is sitting at the other side of the intersection

K-9 units only do stupid thing's in public

The day you let your girlfriend ride out with you, your wife comes by the station to visit.

Court will be canceled only after you have changed all your plans to be there.

You will be decorated for stupidity, and busted for brilliant work.

When closing the Sally Port door, if a fellow officers car is under it pushing the stop button will only slow it down.

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Anything that you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.

The first sip from the first coffee of your shift always triggers the dispatcher to send you on a call usually an emergency or something that will cause the coffee to go cold before you can return to it.