I've been having a real problem writing this, but I figure it'd be better than letting it go unsaid.
My dad's been saying that he'd rather die right now than to see what's going to happen, because he can't bear the pain of dying slowly anymore.
Up until this point, I supported assisted suicide. Call me selfish or whatever you want, I don't care. I know it's wrong to cause him this pain just to keep myself from feeling what I will if I lose him... and I don't care. It's killing me to think that there's something causing him enough pain to make him forget about his wife and children. But I cannot let go of him that easily.
Even thinking about losing him puts this unbearable weight on my chest while simultaneously pushing outwards until I feel like my heart's going to explode. I can't even breathe. I'm not going to say this is the first time I cried thinking about my dad's death... but it's one of the few times that I could bear the pain long enough to take it seriously. I haven't allowed myself to actually believe I'm going to lose him. I'm still not strong enough to be left alone. I need him.
There's this human part of me that believes if I want him enough that some higher power out there will let me keep him. That's why I never took it seriously when he said that he was going to die. I still can't let that hope go that he'll be proven wrong.
If I can, I'll make him stay with me.
