If this is all for revenge I feel it. Like none other. And it makes me so ashamed for what I've done. This mountain of bullshit I have created and the mountain of regret I have within myself. She is my backbone. I've let that go.

I don't know what else to do now. He's here. I'm nothing. She says I am but I still miss her more.

She's moving on though. With another that I never would have thought. I threw my whole life away and now I have to watch my world burn. I burned these bridges and I was late to the construction yard to try to rebuild them. Fucking watch. It never has the right time.

I see beauty in the whole world around me. And I've learned some things while away. I know how to show it. I know how to take the small things I used to sweat and turn them in to other things. Fun times, good times, a time to do something together. A time when we could just smile instead.

So now I'm going to try to get past this. I'm not sure how. I only have a few close people right now. And I seem to be self medicating all too much lately. I don't like that. I want to be back on solid ground this much I've learned as well. She's my everything and yet I let her count the stars alone. I put her on a ship and set her a sail and she's now seeing the world that I should have seen with her. My heart is in my stomach and all I want to do is pull it out. But I can't. I have a feeling it will be there for a while.

I wish I was the only one that would do.