relationshipsYears had passed and thanks to Dr. Phil Danielle had her life back on track. Possibly for the first time ever in her adult life. In the midst of the daily chaos that had become her life, that becomes the life of every mother with small children, she watched a Dr. Phil show that changed her life. This was back when Dr. Phil was good. Insightful. Not the ego maniac he has become today.
For most of us change is a hard fought battle, personal growth harder yet. It’s amazing that the biggest change seems to come when we have the least resources, physical and/or emotional, available. Hence, the rock bottom theory. Dr. Phil said 9 words that began the ultimate change in Danielle’s life. And then 3 more that sealed the deal. Those 9 words were the “light bulb moment” that Oprah eternally searches for. Danielle heard those 9 words and life as she knew it would never be the same. Thank god.
In her kitchen wiping off the table from her kids afternoon snack, over the whir of the dishwasher, the spin cycle of the washing machine, over the din of her sons vroom, vroom as he played with his hot wheels race track she heard Dr. Phil’s deep southern drawl utter those 9 words in complete sincerity and simplicity. “I’d rather be healthy alone, than sick with you”. Danielle stopped wiping the kitchen counter. She sat down, possibly for the first time ever in the middle of the afternoon, and she listened. Intently. Intensely. No truer words had ever been spoken. They resonated in her like a gong. That was the light switch. The next 3 words were the light bulb flooding her brain. “Make a plan”. An exit strategy. That was all it took. 10 years of misguided, muddling mistakes were over. A new day had begun.
After that Dr. Phil episode Danielle did get a plan. She bought Dr. Phil’s much hawked book “Life Strategies” and made a plan. Her exit strategy. It took her a year and a half but those 18 months changed the course of 10 years in a blink of an eye. She finished her college degree. 18 months of round the clock classes and homework and internships while toting 3 kids under 3 to daycare, doctor’s appointments, and play dates. She read that book cover to cover and went into therapy and got better. In 18 months she was employed in her chosen profession, a single mother in her own home, and for the first time in a very long time, possibly the first time, she was happy. Truly happy. Content, happy. And as those of us who fought to be happy know, it’s at those times that life becomes even sweeter.
Danielle was finally happy. She had her kids. She had her job. She had completed her degree which had been hanging over her head. Because of these accomplishments she had the most self confidence she’d ever had. She knew she could survive anything. And she was ready to try again. It was in this frame of mind that Dr. Phil changed her life again. Just as life altering as the first time, but not as painful. Same scenario as before.
Danielle was in her kitchen cleaning up after dinner. Since she worked now during the day she taped Dr. Phil and watched in the evenings when she was able. As she was wiping off the table from dinner, over the whir of the dishwasher, the spin cycle of the washing machine, over the din of her daughter playing school with her babies, she heard Dr. Phil’s deep southern drawl. He was counseling an unhappy, stuck woman and told her “You know what you don’t want, but do you know what you do want”? Again, no truer words had ever been spoken.
So on Dr. Phil’s advice, Danielle wrote down on paper her list of qualities she wanted in a mate. She wrote down exactly how she wanted her life to look. In minute detail. From the big, no religion. To the small, likes to camp. She drew a verbal picture of her perfect life. Complete with white picket fence. No self censoring. No judgments. No “keeping it real”. Danielle decided that she didn’t want to settle. All she’d done up to this point in her life, was settle. She’d finally gotten herself to a place where she didn’t need to. And she refused to. It felt good.
So with list in hand, she was stuck. How do you find a good man when you work primarily with women? You only know moms and you don’t have the time or desire to hang out in a bar? She was now 30 something. She didn’t have time to date. So thanks to an Oprah show, she joined Match.com. Mostly on a whim. She liked to read the profiles and giggle over the hobbies listed or tisk tisk over spelling errors. Oprah did a show on the dos and dont's of online dating and it was Danielle’s tutorial on not only how to actually navigate sites but what to do if you ever found someone. The expert advised to actually meet the person. Don’t use it only to email back and forth. The point is to actually physically meet people. Again, no truer words had ever been spoken. So Danielle put up her profile. Reluctantly she had her friend take her picture to post along with her profile and that was that. She was officially dating. Albeit cyber dating. But it was a good start.
That summer of love was not great. Danielle shared all her matches with her family and friends. They all got good laughs out of it. Her mom found a man that she really liked. For Danielle of course but with all the qualities her mom liked. For instance the guy liked opera. Not that there’s anything wrong with opera but it didn’t exactly fit in on Danielle’s list. Her friend Cynthia found a guy she just loved. Her husband Clive wasn’t all that thrilled but could see what Cynthia saw in the guy. Her friend Jade was dubious at first but came around. She became Danielle’s screener.
Danielle stuck by Oprah’s advice. She made a date to meet someone. She was stood up. She found another guy that sounded great. After the 3 email rule she suggested they meet, he told her he was married at the moment but asked if he could keep her email address in case things didn’t work out. It wasn’t looking good. Danielle was ready to be done. A person can only handle so many weirdo’s, so many bad spellers and so many retouched photos.
It was at this point that alec73065 emailed her. Just a brief note to say that he liked what she had written in her profile. That was it. She looked him up. He looked normal. She read his profile. He sounded normal. She couldn’t say that she was blown away but she thought why not. She wrote him back and thanked him and asked about his dating luck so far. Admitted that hers hadn’t been so great. They wrote back and forth about their online dating trials and tribulations. He didn’t have a single misspelling. Danielle thought it might be a sign. She asked him if he wanted to meet for dinner. He said sure.
Cynthia was leery. How will we know if you’re murdered? Clive thought he and Cynthia should plant themselves in the restaurant. Keep an eye on things. Her mom was excited. She was going to watch the kids. Jade was dubious. She thought he was probably some old, lonely spinster who used someone else’s picture. Danielle thought he’d be a no show. She wasn’t getting her hopes up. So she went and met him for dinner. He actually showed up. And he was the man in the picture. They had a nice dinner. Conversation flowed. He seemed normal. Funny. Nice. Good table manners. Good command of the English language. They were at the restaurant for quite a long time. Danielle paid for her meal. She didn’t want to be indebted. She asked if he wanted her number. He did. And they parted ways.
Danielle wasn’t sure. She knew he was a perfectly nice guy. She knew he was a perfectly normal guy. But she’d never had nice or normal and certainly not both in the same person. She found herself falling back into old habits and patterns. She didn’t know if she should pursue alec73065 or not. Her friends were split 50-50. Half said no, move on. If sparks aren’t initially flying, move on. The other half said go on a second date for sure. You don’t really know after one date. Danielle wasn’t sure. Then he called. Asked her out on a real date. Dinner and a comedy club. She said yes. Why not?
Alec73065 showed up with a freshly washed and cleaned vehicle. Flowers in hand. He opened her car door. He opened the restaurant door. He walked on the side of traffic so she was shielded. No one had ever done that before. He smelled really good. He was an animal lover. Check that off the list. He was employed. Check that off the list. He was a single father. He raised his kids alone. That was a bonus. He liked to camp in his spare time. Oh my god, this is getting weird. Literally every item on Danielle’s list was confirmed. Strange. They had a great time. He didn’t try to murder her. He didn’t try to rape her. He didn’t even try to kiss her. She thought he wasn’t into her. Now Danielle really wanted alec73065. He was most definitely the nicest, funniest, smartest, together man she had ever found. Why in the world would he be interested in her?
But he called. Again. They went out, again. They went to movies. They went to dinner. He even took her to the Women’s Expo. How cool is that. He met her kids. They all survived Chuck E. Cheese. Actually from the day they met, they were never apart again. From the night of the Comedy Club to the night 18 months later when they were married. To the night they celebrated their 6th year anniversary.
Now Danielle has her life. A life she never dreamed she would have. Not a perfect life of course. That would be boring. But a life that didn’t come easy and is all the more sweet because of it.
Happy Anniversary Baby. Thank you for coming into my life. I love you with all my heart. And thank you too Dr. Phil.
