humorI was talking to my friend Cynthia today about a bad break up she is still recovering from. Cynthia and Clive remain happily married; the break up was with her good friend.
Cynthia and Monique met through a mutual neighbor friend. They immediately hit it off and became inseparable. Cynthia was really into Monique because she was missing having a close friend around since I had moved across the country. I think that’s why the relationship progressed as quickly as it did. I did warn her to slow down, but sadly my advice went unheeded.
After a couple years of close friendship with Monique Cynthia hit a wall. She felt like she had heard all Monique’s stories. She felt like she could predict how Monique would react to any neighborhood gossip, kid scenario, or husband trouble. Sometimes having that knowledge of and familiarity with another person is wonderful. Sometimes not. This was one of those times when the relationship had run its course. What once was fun and light became boring and predictable. Cynthia decided a few months ago that it was time to cut the cord and move on. So she did. I warned her it wouldn’t be easy. She ignored me.
It wasn’t easy. As break ups never are. She did miss her former friend. As is the case with break ups, we only remember the good times with the person, never the bad. She called me many times in a panic that she hadn’t done the right thing. Calling to whine that she wanted her back. I talked her down. As I had many times over the years with boyfriend break ups I told her in time she would feel better. I told her to keep busy. I told her to put down the phone. I told her to focus on other friends. All the things you console your friends with after a break up. And in time, she reported that she did feel better. As I told her she would.
But the next hurdle to overcome was the issue of who gets the friends after a break up. Cynthia and Monique had mostly friends in common. And while Cynthia did an admirable job of not bringing their friends into their own break up drama, she wasn’t sure how to proceed with Monique or said friends in common. She knew she would have to see Monique around and didn’t want it to be weird. But Monique didn’t appear to have any problem making things weird. At least in Cynthia’s opinion. So Cynthia was at a loss. I consoled her again. I told her in time it would get easier. I told her to be the bigger person and make small talk. I told her to be friendly, be polite. Be a grown woman, not a 15 year old girl. So she did. And things got better, as I predicted.
Cynthia and Monique started chatting again. Having a good time again. And before you know it Cynthia was having dinner again with Monique. I said what are you doing? She said she didn’t know. I said I thought you were done with her. I thought you were ready to move on. She said she knew that but one thing led to another, they were chatting, it was fun and the next thing you know they’re going to dinner. So I asked her how was it. And she said not good. As is the case with all break ups, once you have cut the cord you can’t go back and uncut it. They went out to dinner and instead of fun and light it was boring and predictable. This was of course why she had broken up with her in the first place. I told her she was crazy. Once again, she ignored me.
So now she’s sent mixed messages to Monique and she feels right back where she started. Not good. We both sighed and sat in silence. So now what I asked her? She said she wasn’t sure. I told her maybe the moral of this story is to not get caught up in what used to be but move forward in what is. And to appreciate what you have, i.e. fun chatting at the pool, and not push your own expectations and agenda on someone else. She said she hoped she never got divorced from Clive because breaking up is hard to do. I said amen sister.
