bipolarI have done a lot of soul searching lately. I have looked back on all that has happened in my life to try to figure out where i am and what/who i have become. i have had good relationships and bad ones, difficult times and happiest times, i have had some bad experiences but also some amazing ones; have failed, but also succeeded...just like im sure everyone has. yes, i do realize that i have gone thru some diffucult things in my life - more than most peopple and worse than some, but i have realized that i have also had a better life than some people and that i shouldnt take things for granted. there was a large chunk of my life where i really felt like i had no friends, no love, and no hope...life felt like a neverending struggle; like even breathing, the most basic function of existance, was a chore. at the botton of that phase i actually tried to end my life, and by doing so i realized that there were sooooo many ppl that cared for me, but that i had just been too stubborn to see it; too depressed and locked in my own mind to understand anything that was real in the outside world. from that point on i tried to open myself up and trust people, but i found it very difficult because i had closed myself off for so long. i found that as i opened myself up to one person i would alienate and shut out other people which was not what i was trying to accomplish. i shut out some of the most important people in my life; the ones who had been there for me and loved me since birth; the ppl who took me in when i had nowhere else to go; the ones who had basically been my best friends - the ones i could tell anything to. I made them feel like horrible people. i made them think that i hated them and that i didnt give a shit about what they had done for me, and in reality i cared so much about them. i love them with all my heart and the last thing that i wanted to do was hurt them..and thats what i ended up doing. not only did i do that to them, but i did that to some of my closest friends who were just trying to look out for me. i lost some of my best friends and while we have still kept in touch i know that their trust in me is gone. most of them just dont understand me anymore since i have strayed so far from the path that i had originally been travelling on.
my senior year i hit the top of insanity. i managed to alienate and piss off everyone in my family that had kept their faith in me that i would get back on the right track. i had even worried my biological father and his mother, which i had really never done. i got mixed up with the wrong guy. a guy that all he wanted was to use me, but i thought that i loved him. i honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him at that point. so much so that i was willing to abandon my family, my school, and my future. i even left the security of my home and decided to live from house to house even going to milwaukee to live with my brother for 4 days. i was able to be thrust back into reality and a sense of sanity when he broke my heart. i was thrown from a high into an ultimate low in a matter of seconds and i wasnt sure if i was going to be able to handle it. but my friends were there for me..even the ones that i had made feel inferior or that i made feel unwanted..they stuck by me and helped me get out of a dark time in my life. with the help of my friends and my family i was able to pull my head outta my ass, move back home, and go off to college.
about a month before i started college i met another guy who i thought would be the love of my life. we became best friends almost instantly, which is exactly what a good relationship would be based on, right?...wrong!! i was so caught up in that relationship that i let my first semester in college go to complete shit. my relationship was going down the drain and i became so depressed that i didnt want to leave my room. i sat in my closet most days and didnt move until right before my roommate came back. which made my grades go down since i didnt go to class. but i figured i would make my relationship work because i loved him so much...eventhough he was cheating on me and the girl he was cheating on me with was making my life hell. i figured that i would just make up for it second semester. when i recieved a letter from my college over xmas break i thought that my life was over...i spent the next semester trying to prove myself to my college that i wanted to be there and that it really mattered...it was easy to do that once i made the decision to dump the one person in my life that, at the time, i loved more than life, but he was no longer making me happy. it was a very difficult time, one that my mother helped me thru. i was able to finish second semester with a B average.
this past summer i have spent most of my time in illinois meeting many new people and making wonderful friends and adding people to my "family". i thought that leaving wisconsin would help me get away from all of the drama that i had come into contact with..it in fact did not help and i have realized that i let drama come into my life. because i have a complex where i feel that intense need to fix things that are going wrong i invite the drama into my life. i have realized that i just cant do that anymore..i cant put everything aside in my life just so that i can not only add more stress but lose a sense of myself. while i will always be there for the people i love (friends and family) i cannot give my all to them, i must keep some of it to myself. this will be the most difficult thing i will have to do, but i believe that i can conquer it, and when i do i hope that it will drastically help my life.
i have been trying to become a better person. i am in the process of mending lost or broken relationships with people that i love while still meeting new people and maintaing the friendships that i have. i am also trying to keep a sense of myself. being bi polar and having PTSD can make those things slightly difficult, but i am going to keep my head up.
my senior year i hit the top of insanity. i managed to alienate and piss off everyone in my family that had kept their faith in me that i would get back on the right track. i had even worried my biological father and his mother, which i had really never done. i got mixed up with the wrong guy. a guy that all he wanted was to use me, but i thought that i loved him. i honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him at that point. so much so that i was willing to abandon my family, my school, and my future. i even left the security of my home and decided to live from house to house even going to milwaukee to live with my brother for 4 days. i was able to be thrust back into reality and a sense of sanity when he broke my heart. i was thrown from a high into an ultimate low in a matter of seconds and i wasnt sure if i was going to be able to handle it. but my friends were there for me..even the ones that i had made feel inferior or that i made feel unwanted..they stuck by me and helped me get out of a dark time in my life. with the help of my friends and my family i was able to pull my head outta my ass, move back home, and go off to college.
about a month before i started college i met another guy who i thought would be the love of my life. we became best friends almost instantly, which is exactly what a good relationship would be based on, right?...wrong!! i was so caught up in that relationship that i let my first semester in college go to complete shit. my relationship was going down the drain and i became so depressed that i didnt want to leave my room. i sat in my closet most days and didnt move until right before my roommate came back. which made my grades go down since i didnt go to class. but i figured i would make my relationship work because i loved him so much...eventhough he was cheating on me and the girl he was cheating on me with was making my life hell. i figured that i would just make up for it second semester. when i recieved a letter from my college over xmas break i thought that my life was over...i spent the next semester trying to prove myself to my college that i wanted to be there and that it really mattered...it was easy to do that once i made the decision to dump the one person in my life that, at the time, i loved more than life, but he was no longer making me happy. it was a very difficult time, one that my mother helped me thru. i was able to finish second semester with a B average.
this past summer i have spent most of my time in illinois meeting many new people and making wonderful friends and adding people to my "family". i thought that leaving wisconsin would help me get away from all of the drama that i had come into contact with..it in fact did not help and i have realized that i let drama come into my life. because i have a complex where i feel that intense need to fix things that are going wrong i invite the drama into my life. i have realized that i just cant do that anymore..i cant put everything aside in my life just so that i can not only add more stress but lose a sense of myself. while i will always be there for the people i love (friends and family) i cannot give my all to them, i must keep some of it to myself. this will be the most difficult thing i will have to do, but i believe that i can conquer it, and when i do i hope that it will drastically help my life.
i have been trying to become a better person. i am in the process of mending lost or broken relationships with people that i love while still meeting new people and maintaing the friendships that i have. i am also trying to keep a sense of myself. being bi polar and having PTSD can make those things slightly difficult, but i am going to keep my head up.
i have finally met someone that i have been able to connect with and who i think is actually right for me. hes eccentric, kind, funny, sexy and just absolutely adorable, and he accepts me for all of my flaws (which there are many). i truely love him. and i feel completely safe with him. there are no words really to describe my exact feelings. he and i are starting a journey together that i hope will last a lifetime. i am very happy and excited that i get to share my journey of life with him, because there is no one else on the face of the earth who i would rather share this with. he makes me want to be a better person and he motivates me to get my ass into gear in order to achieve my goals. he makes me feel whole, and that is one feeling that i never want to lose.
so thats my revelation for now...i am continuing to learn every day..and hopefully i will understand a little more about this insane thing that we call existance..but until then i will just try to keep my head up, keep persevering, keep trying to survive and keep trying to have some balance in my life.
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