I'm a glutton for punishment.

because i am an empathetic person and actually care about everyone that i have ever come into contact with and i have now realized that this...is a horrible horrible HORRIBLE thing. so..for any of you that dont know, from the summer of 06 til march of 07 i was in the relationship from hell. not only did he cheat on me almost the ENTIRE TIME that we were dating..it was with a woman who is about the size of a fucking semi truck and more insane than me and all my friends and family put together (and trust me..thats A LOT of crazy). she would email me, call me, and text me making insane accusations and calling me horrible names (my fave was the text at 6am, when i didnt have to be up til 9 and i had just gone to sleep at 4, that simply stated "you are a cum guzzling gutter whore"..has a nice ring to it..wish i had thought of it). i finally dumped his ass which for some reason made ME spiral into depression (that still doesnt make sense to me..other than the fact that i realized that he had mind fucked me). after a while i still thought about how he was doing from time to time, but didnt care really enough to contact him, until it got to a point that i wanted to go into the store where he worked so i emailed him so i could find out when he worked so i could avoid him like the fucking plague. he was very cordial and seeing as the thought of men at the time repulsed me completely i thought it would be fine if he and i talked via email every once in a while..ya know..just an update kind of thing. like "i got a new job at blah blah", or "i have a new bf..hes amazing"..just very vague and whatever. so it got to a point where i felt comfortable to meet up with him, just to hang out, because he was my movie and music guru, and thats about all i missed about him. so i went over to watch a movie with him back in october and it was all fine and dandy..he was on one end of the couch i was on the other, and thats the way i liked it. then he decided that he would slowly, clumsily, and heavily scootch over to my side of the couch and put his arm around me. i immediately turned and glared at him and said that it wasnt gonna happen..and thats when he decided it was a fucking GREAT idea to kiss me. so i used my amazing right hook all up on the side of his face and yelled at him to take me home. we didnt talk for about a week or so until he emailed me saying that he had been in the hospital the past week because he had "congestive heart failer" (yeah..thats how he spelled it..), and me being the empathetic person immediately felt bad and wanted to know if i could do anything for him and said that i wasnt sorry that i hit him because he had crossed a line, but was sorry that we had left on such a bad note. he never emailed me back. i heard from my friend k that mike and the woman he had cheated on me with, amanda, were engaged (k found this out cuz shes dating mikes best friend). i decided that i wouldnt be angry at mike anymore, because he wa stuck with that woman and i had moved on with my life, but i was still worried about his overall health because the last pic i had seen of him was from his hospital stay and he didnt look well. so about 3 weeks ago i emailed mike again, just to make sure that he wasnt dead, to give him the name of my grandfather's cardiologist (who saved my grandfather's life basically), and to completely and utterly gush like a school girl about the amazing man that i had found (i guess i was trying to prove to him that i was much happier without him than he is without me..but..whatever..adam's amazing and mike is stuck with a girl who needs a separate zip code for her own ass and has cankles bigger than my thighs). i didnt hear anything back from him for weeks..until 3 days ago...when i recieved an email back..but it wasnt from mike..it was from amanda...the evil she-bitch-cow (not as snappy as "cum-guzzling gutter whore", but its 1:30 in the morning and ive been out of cigarrettes since 7pm yesterday). in the letter i had written to him i asked if i could get a monthly or even just a bimonthly update on how he was doing, but that it was not a good idea to ever hang out with him again because of last time. she emailed me back saying that i was a bitch and needed to stay the hell away from her man, eventhough i had written about a page long myspace message and about 3/4 of it was about adam and how much i loved him (like i said..shes crazy and likes to make up stories..theres a whole big thing that she did when mike and i were dating..but thats really long, and i kinda just dont wanna type it). so i simply emailed her back and said i only cared if he was alive or dead, and if she felt more comfortable with it, she could be the one to email me once every month with the phrase either "hes alive and well" or "hes almost dead" or "hes dead"...thats really all i wanted. she then wrote back that the answer was no. being the glutton for punishment that i am, and the fact that i have anger issues and that enormous cunt was pissing me off..i wrote her back and was not so nice, plus i had written back at 2:30am yesterday, and needless to say i was really tired. so tired in fact that i ended with the exact phrase "KARMA IS A BITCH MUTHA FUCKA!!" (..yeah....yeah..i read that this morning..and realized when i get tired its like im drunk). she..being the heinous bitch that she is, wrote me back that she doesnt have to worry about karma, because she never lied about being pregnant. i fucking snapped..this was from a woman, who the day after i told mike i was pregnant she called him saying that she was pregnant, then 3 hours later called him again and said she had just had a miscarriage. WTF, how the hell does that work? i mean shit..what more does she want to believe me. i mean after she filled mike's head with doubt that i was even pregnant, he made me take a pregnancy test at his house, and it was positive..it was one of those with the digital readout that clearly said "pregnant" and he even showed it to her..how much more proof does she fucking want?! so i pretty much ripped her a new one. i can honestly say..i hate her more than i hate tara..and possibly even more than i hate george bush. she is the most heinous cunt that i have ever talked to..and i havent even fucking met her. i serisouly hope that i never do meet her..cuz i really dont want to go to jail for killing her.

i dont know why i continue emailing her. i guess its my complex to always have the last word, and the fact that i KNOW im right. but i also know that she is gonna get to me..if i keep doing this shes just gonna make me feel like shit, even if i can burn her better. i also know that tomorrow when i can get access to a computer the first thing im going to check is if she emailed me back...im a sick sick human being.

i truely am a glutton for punishment...someone needs to kill me or something..