Okay.. once again.. Asic's annoying me. I hate how he says to live life to the fullest... it bothers me so damn much... he doesn't seem concerned about his future whatsoever. He says he would rather worry about the present. What the hell does he plan on doing with his life? Where's he going to end up 20 years from now? Who knows. Working at a gas station? It seems like he just doesn't care... sure, he enjoys life now... but later... hes going to wish he had tried harder and thought ahead.
Him- next year...i shall not have one boring day as god as my witness because im tired of it
Him- i want to have more fun in school because i really have no choice but to go
Him- and i get home and im bored shitless so i wanna change that
Me- how do you plan on doing that?
Him- not care about getting in trouble which is the only thing holding me back that and i just dont want to look like more of an idoit which i want to overcome some how..maybe being more confident with myself will probably help alot
Me- good plan
Him- lol yes it shall work it must!
Him- must...enjoy life to the fullest! way to short to not
Me- thats like 60 more years...
Him- uh no anna
Him- it can be 1 day it can be 1 week can be anytime you can die
Me- oh well
Me- I have to go work on my project now..
Him- okay, im sorry
Me- dont be
Him- well i feel like i hurt your feelings..i dont know...just get that feeling everytime i talk about it..
Me- talk about what?
Him- about like living life to the fullest and just what i beleave in
Me- well every time someone talks about it I get depressed
Him- im sorry i didnt mean to
Me- its okay... I have to learn to live with it... I cant make every person never mention it again
It makes me depressed whenever people talk about it... because I know I have wasted my life. If I knew that I only had a few days left to live... I would kill myself then and there so I wouldn't have to suffer thinking about how I wasted my life. I... its not... I'll never have a normal life. I'll never feel the things normal kids feel... I'll never have the childhood other kids had... I'll never be able to look back on my life and be proud. Never... its too late for that. Its not totally my fault though... I blame my family. For what they have done to me... and I'll never be able to forgive any of them for it. Feeling suicical right now.. but I feel OBLIGATED to live because of all Asic's poems and such saying I'm his reason for living and just.. ugh... I hate it. I cant tolerate it. I'm not the kind of person who can handle being loved. I don't like the emotion. Love... it sickens me. It has caused me so fucking much pain. I hate my life...
Him- how much time can you stay?
Me- meh I dont know
Him- dont stay to late just because of me
Me- I dont even care anymore Ill just do it later
Him- you say that now and hate yourself for it later
Me- Im going to hate myself no matter what
Me- I dont see why i should try and fight it
Me- Im sorry >.<
Him- no no im sorry
Me- you have nothign to be sorry for..
Him- well i guess its just all about how i want to help but i cant and i want you to be happy but i have no idea how to make you happy and its just me being selfish i guess
Me- sorry :-(
Him- anna please dont be
Me- well you and chelsea get all annoyed because you try or want to help me but I dont let you >.<
Him- well for me its just i dont know how and i dont want to say somthing wrong or think i know everything but i dont, please dont beat yourself over this
Me- Ill be fine I always am
Him- okay i hope so
Me- anyways...
I know I annoy the hell out of him when I'm depressed like I am... why wont he just admit it... that convo happened soon before the.. first convo I put in here.. I don't really care about not saying how I feel because I don't like how I make him feel... I just don't care...
well... I still haven't gotten to work on my project or my homework... I'm such a fucking screw up. I cause my own problems... I don't want to go to school... I cant... I don't want to see anyone... I don't want to think... I don't want to live... I just want... to go away. To not have to deal with any of this shit anymore. Okay... I'm too hard on myself... I know that... but if I'm not.. who will be? Nobody's pushing me but myself. Nobody cares but me. I've taught myself.. to do what I should do.. what I have to do... or whats best... not what I WANT to do. I have so little respect for myself. I cant deal with this... I need to... sleep... escape. Even if its just for a couple hours...
i hate life
