feelings of, "i'm going to puke on your shoes, go away." or "this

is so wrong, it just is." but i make myself lose sleep over guys

that have never even heard of me?!

i just... wow. there's something wrong with me. sophomore year

i told my very strange friend blake that i was inept. of course, i

thought badly of myself because it was my fat year, i'd just gone

through a mid-teen crisis, and i was, in my opinion, surrounded

by retards. i messed up a lot, and i was troubled by a strange

past and an unsure future. and to make matters worse, i was in

love with the biggest bad-boy indy's high school had every

produced.

and in some way, not all, i'm still really, really inept. especially

when it comes to relationships, i guess it's just chapstick,

chapped lips, and things like chemistry... or maybe it's maybeline,

the world may never know.

i've been talking to sean quite a bit these days. he's a guy i'm

really comfortable around, i can joke around with him, be myself...

and i enjoyed talking to him! but then at the game... oh, sit back

mindsay and enjoy this story...

it all started with random conversations in person, followed by random "chats" on facebook. all in fun, all in jest, all really light and hilarious. just a good time had by all. it was really neat to talk to a guy, not just in passing, but quite frequently, and not get all nervous that they'd look at my like i was stupid, or look at me like  i was a piece of meat. just, a guy friend. totally cool, right?

and then i was going to go to the basketball game. i figured lots of my friends would be there, even though i'd only really talked to sean about it. he's the only one who asked if i was going! i got there first and saw NO ONE i knew so i sat by myself up in the corner on the "student side." man, students are the ones actually attending classes, scraping for pizza money, and enduring the stresses of, COLLEGE! yet the students always get the shaft when it comes to seating... so he comes in, wearing his k-state hat (yah, he's a wildcat fan. that right there should tell me something's up!). he's all, well he's sean. he's always cool, never ruffled, and if he is he starts talking incoherent sentences and he gets all red. it's kind of funny. but no, he was cool that night. he walked over, after givine me the upwards nod (meaning i'm cool too. hah! urbandictionary.com THAT!). he sits down beside me, starts talking. he started out sitting over a foot and a half away from me. by the end of the second game, he was within six inches. that sounds like a lot, but it's not. that's totally within my igloo. some people have a bubble, a zone, personal space, well i have an igloo, and he was encroaching on it. and the alarms started going off.

now, usually i get these signals, these vibes, because i know what i'm doing is wrong because my parents don't know, or i'm sneaking around, or whatever. but this was different. i mean, he's talking to me and the basketball game is going on, and i'm not even paying attention. i'm ciphering through my issues. my mid-teen crisis taught me many things, one of which was sorting out my thoughts. that's why i'm so adicted to blogging and journaling. i have to specially process my thoughts, immediately! or i'll go nuts. so i was totally disassociated with the world around me for a good thirty minutes. don't get me wrong, i was so inept that i totally fumbled the conversation football, i kept up. but i was a little distant. i don't think he caught on...

something about sitting so close to him and being alone with him just drove me nuts, not in a "Oh my gosh i love him! this is awesome!" nuts way... it was more of a, "this is wrong, this is so wrong!" and i don't get it. i mean, technically, if i really wanted: he'd be wrapped around my little finger within a matter of seconds. but something about the whole thing, him, where we were, how we've been "connecting" as friends, that just made it feel so wrong.

well, it's a good thing that my mom was preoccupied that night because a] i got home late and b] i would have spilled my guts, and that was just the wrong thing to do at that moment. some things are easier to process with other's help, but not this. this was a personal thing...

i didn't talk to him all weekend. i was afraid to start a conversation with him, for fear he'd get the wrong idea, again. or perhaps i was just blowing it all out of proportion and it wouldn't matter whether i talked to him or not because he's just a friendly guy! right?! well i talked to him on monday, in class. and he kept looking at me weird. i shook it off, i had spanish to go! i talked to him later that night on facebook, just a quick little conversation that turned into a two hour discussion on proper grammar and other assorted nothings. and stupid me, didn't even think about the ramifications of it! at the close of the conversation, around 11 or so, he said he'd see me in the halls or call me about doing something over break... now, i know sean is friendly to ALL girls, even flirtatious WITH ALL GIRLS. but, he doesn't call girls over thanksgiving break and hang out with them on days off...

well, i was hoping i wouldn't see him, just in case you know, i wouldn't have to see him! well, ptk meeting in the anchor. i went. just me and him and karen. awkward. after the meeting i asked him if he was swimming in the morning. he said he wasn't because he wasn't spending the night at luke's. and then he asked me what i was doing on wednesday night... thank good God in heaven that i'm going to the movies with my mom!

i should be flattered, and swooning, because he is a] a nice guy, b] a gentleman, c] smart, d] not that bad looking... i mean, he's a pretty cool guy! but i really don't want to ruin this unattached friendship we have going. i mean, it's fun. and i haven't had fun since before gaige got too serious.

i think i've become one of those girls that when it becomes to close to reality, i get freaked and back out. or i force people out. i didn't think i was like that... but i can see now, after my experiences, perhaps that's easier.

i'm waiting for the guy who keeps me completely at ease. who makes my heart beat comfortably rise. who is like my favorite song, the one i know every word, that one that doesn't surprise me, at least not in a bad way. somebody who's all those things i want and need. and i'm not settling. i'm not. and if this uncomfortable feeling of just knowing it's wrong, wrong place, wrong time, wrong guy, then so be it. i'd rather pass up a million and two guys to find just the one who is perfect in every way. well, as perfect as a man can be! i mean, i'm not holding on to unrealistic expectations. but i truly believe that if God's giving me these feelings now, He's got something better for me down the pike. and faith has to play the main role here. otherwise, i may go nuts.

and going nuts is never looks good on me.

oi. i just wish boys had cooties still...