Is there really light at the end of the tunnel?

Wow, the last several days have been a complete whirlwind and I'm trying desperately to hold on. (In more ways than one, but particularly my sanity.) However a few nice things have ocurred. The welcome home party for my brother in law was awesome and I feasted like a king. (My sincerest apologies if I was inside chatting too long. I needed some sage like advice you might say. Thanks to those that were kind enough to indulge me.) Also my father in law is home from the hospital. He is still miserable somewhat because he can't spend the kind of quality time with his grandchildren like he wants to due to the fact that he has a pic(pick?) line for his IV meds. I feel for him I do. It's gotta suck. But at least he still gets to go on his vacation in July so that is a plus. The last few days have not all been hunky-dory though. Productive yes, but saddening and depressing at the same time. At the BBQ this Saturday I stumbled upon an interesting piece of info. It appears as though during a recent conversation between her and my father that she "expressed concern" regarding bruising on my child's legs. I don't know exactly what was said, but I can only imagine what the implications were when she raised the issue. For the record, my child is 21 months old, and has the tendency to wiggle her legs inbetween the slats of her crib and occasionally gets them stuck. I do not lay hands on my child in anger, frustration or anything of the sort. I have had my moments, like any parent, and have almost lost my cool, but never crossed that threshold. Apparantly she (my mom) even hypothesized whether Charlotte was iron deficient or something of that nature which may or may not explain the"bruising". Either way I feel horrible, and allow me to elaborate. . .First, to have anyone think that I may have ever laid hands on my child makes me feel like the scum of the earth. Furthermore, for said person or persons be my own Mother! Words cannot desribe how low I felt and how much I hated myself. And to add further insult to injury getting Charlotte's iron level checked has been on my to do list for quite some time. Reason being is that Jimmy was terminated from his job in December of 2007, therefore there went the benefits. Meanwhile we have been fighting with Social Services until recently to get insurance and other services that we signed up for. It wasn't until June 1st that we finally got Fidelis, but they did backdate the Medicaid to the middle of Jan when I filed. So yeah, from middle of Jan to June 1st we were waiting for Fidelis, thanks to the assbackwards social worker assigned to my case (UGH.) Now as I recall her pediatrician doesn't take just medicaid. Now I realize ignorance is really no excuse but I financially cannot bear the burden of additional medical bills. Nevertheless I made a choice, whether it was the right one or not, who knows. But between the inability (I felt) of not being able to secure adequate healthcare for my child in conjunction with the possible speculation that spewed forth from my own Mother's mouth had me breaking down crying while trying to put away groceries in the fridge that evening. Perhaps that was the cherry on the shit sundae. Ye old straw that broke the camel's back. I am doing my best to give my mother the benefit of the doubt and assume that her intentions were for the best and that there was absolutely no speculation as to my mothering ability. I am truly trying, maybe I'm just so beaten down with everything else that I tend to see the negative. Any ideas? The good news is that Charlotte has a Dr appt in the next few days and will be caught up on everything. Speaking of appointments I had one with an attorney this afternoon regarding bankruptcy. I must say he appears to be very competent, and also the three c's (calm, cool and collected). He managed to help make me feel at ease, which is nice considering how traumatic filing bankruptcy can be. Overall the appointment was very informative and eye opening. Granted I went in there as knowledgable and prepared as I could be, and to walk away with additional information leads me to believe that he is a good lawyer and could very well be the one Jimmy and I choose. One cannot always get what they want, at least not right away, and only one thing that I was hoping could be accomplished right away obviously couldn't. However I was adequately advised how to handle said scenario in the meantime, so that I can do what I need to do and be able to sleep at night. Which would be an absolute godsend. Because of late I have been sleeping poorly because of being pregnant, but the stress of all the recent events (ie see previous blog) on top of that it's gotten so bad that I started having nightmares and feeling like I'm in a perpetual panic attack state. Physically it's a bitch, let me tell you. I know pregnancy is not a time to start medicating ones self, but maybe my doc can recommend counseling or something if she feels that medication is not warranted. I need help, what can I say? But on the flip side I got most of the hard work done, took preventative measures to ensure the hubby and I don't get screwed anymore, and am on the road to recovery in all the aspects of my life that needed help. And my birthday is on Friday so that helps :-) It's been a long time coming, but tis nice to at least think that there may be, might just be light at the end of the tunnel. Wish me luck folks! God knows I'm gonna need it!