i'm sensing a pattern here. when will i stop allowing selfish people into my life? is it something inside me, in my genetic make-up, that predisposes the exposure? or would a psychologist tell me it's because of father-issues?

i began a friendship about 2 years ago with this person who soon became like a sister to me.  kindhearted, funny, uninhibited and silly, she reminded me of a long lost friend from another lifetime whose bond was made in middle school.  the friendship from middle school had continued through my first marriage and abruptly ended, sadly.  after the dust settled, i realized then that i was in a one-sided friendship with a person who needed me as their mirror rather than a window.

this current destructive relationship seems to be the same.  in the recent months, i felt i gave and gave and gave until i was as a wrung out wash rag.  i couldn't, or wouldn't give anymore.  i was fresh out.  i hit a very rough patch at the end of last month; the culmination of a happy anniversary and a sad one...and i felt as though i was split in half - the true definition of laughter through tears.  and it hit me, as if i ran smack into a wall, that i was without my friend. 

sure, i absolutely have my dear, loving, supportive, outstanding husband.  sometimes though, we need a girlfriend to hold us as we cry. 

i found myself in a great storm, standing alone through the tornado of my thoughts and feelings.  out of reach and trying to hide it from my husband.  seemingly "pulling it off", being brave and stoic.  she was no where.  she didn't care.  she doesn't care. 

maybe she never did.  maybe it's as i've been preaching to another friend...when we date, we put on our best clothes, our best outer-selves, to this new and fabulous person we've met who inspires us to be at the pinnacle of ourselves.  maybe her best clothes came off, and the outer shell wore down, her true self exposed.

but maybe i'm the asshole here.  maybe i didn't do enough, say enough.  maybe i didn't do the right things, say the right things.  maybe i'm not a good friend. 

it's a pattern...a puzzle to solve on my own.  i'd like to think i look for the best in people and thought i found a good person to share my secrets with.  now, i hate that she has all my secrets, my deep dark thoughts that should never have been shared.

i'd like to think it isn't me who did the screwing up.  i know i'm human, i've totally cocked off several times and said things i shouldn't have.  temper is an evil thing that gives me verbal diarrhea.  sure, we'd had fights before...and i always tried to work it out....wait...i always tried to work it out.  wow.  hello.  i was always the one to approach her, to call her, to reach out to her.

why am i wasting the time trying to figure this out? human nature, or sheer masochism? if i figure it out, the pattern stops, right?

so, i will make it official.  the fat lady sings.  i'm done...so done i need another word for it.