I pace the room trying to figure out where I am suppose to be.  Not in the sense of "at that exact moment"........but in life.  I have made so many wrong turns.  We all make wrong turns in life, it's to be expected, I know this.  But I just feel like I am stuck in a Continuous U Turn.  The ever lasting circle. 

I went to both my therapist and psychiatrist last week.   I had hopes of hearing more positive feedback.  Instead, I have new medications added to my current medications.  My therapist is quite concerned that I rarely sleep and when I do, I have nightmares.  The same ones, over and over.  I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder along with many other mental illnesses. 

I just want to be somewhat normal again.  Why can't I just forget what happened?  Why can't I get that bloody warscene out of my head?  When you are in the care of a hospital, you should be cared for.  You shouldn't have to scream for help and threaten to call 911 because you beloved parent is lying in a bed screaming for help as well.......surrounded by blood.  Blood everywhere.  I would not wish such an experience on my worse enemy.  My therapist tries to explain that with time, I will be better.  Not that I will accept what happened, but be able to move on.  It's been a year.  I sleep one or two nights a week for a few hours.........if I am lucky.  

I look back at who I was 2 years ago and smile.  I look back at the health of my loved ones and had positive hope.  I look in the mirror now and say "who in the hell are you?  where did you go?"  I understand I may not be the person I once was, but I try  so hard to atleast get to a place in my life where I might feel comfortable. 

I try to fight the memory.  But that night changed me.  I fell to the floor and had a massive mental breakdown as they saved her.  I work 3 jobs just to stay busy enough to keep my mind on other things.  But here I am, midnight..........I took my sleeping medication 4 hours ago..........