threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and
you don't see me.but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.
(^ thats how i feel a lot here....all they see is a gaijin who has blue eyes, and curly light brown hair. its weird to look around and see people staring at you and just saying you're cute because you're different. Exotic. And it sucks. I mean everyone really wants to take pictures with me, which they always send to all their friends. It pisses me off. They get all excited to take pictures with the gaijin. I'm sick of people not seeing me for who I am and not just an appearance.)

SOihtesouthauehtuehtnjsdfjsdhgusehtase. Thats all I really want to say, but I guess I'll rant. So if you don't mind I will continue and you need not continue to read.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo.....I have a personal problem that needs to be fixed but it cant be fixed here, so i will tell AYUSA about it (if they're insensitive about it which they really shouldnt be because its a serious issue and wont let me go home, then I'll have my family buy me a ticket to get out of here or I could always sue. I think the fact that my dads an attorney (well he isnt a practicing one but he did got to law school and all that jazz) and I say sue, i dont think AYUSA would want to go to court..bad publicity and they are a nonprofit organization to begin with) on Tuesday when I talk to them. ON TOP OF THAT, I was supposed to start Japanese lessons today...wellll I said I didnt want them lol...even though AYUSA WANTs me to have them. And i didnt have it. i didnt want it because I am already SWAMPED with Japanese as is, so much taht I dont want it anymore lol.

While I was sitting around with the 3 women who came over (1 was my english teacher, the other 2 were japanese teachers but one of them cant really speak english soo why is she a japanese teacher to begin with? oh wait i forgot that americans who know no Japanese come to Japan all the time...sound familiar?) and my host mom, I got soooooo incredibly pissed off.

Why? Well we were talking about why i didnt ride my bike to school this week at all except tuesday (even though thats what I'm supposed to do on Wednesday--my only day of school this week--and other days..hopefully AYUSA will have me out of here though by the end of this week)...and well you see on wednesday i came downstairs crying because of homesickness and my host mom worried about me riding my bike so she drove it. thurs and friday had weird schedule so she drove me. WELLLL

when we were talking, she explained about tuesday's homesickness incident and about me crying and started LAUGHING. Thanks for laughing when I was really (well I am now too) miserable and hated your country. If only you knew. THEN she started telling them about how i dont really like vegetables, and how she never let her kids eat sweets and drink juice when they were growing up (which is what i do here on a daily basis). Thanks for making me feel like shit and not good enough for you. She even asked if american kids arent concerned about eating healthy foods. jatiuheuthusjksjdfaopij. i am so pissed off in general at my host mom. she really makes me uncomfortable by standing too close to me and putting a hand on me sometimes when she is going to tell me something. and i hate the way she speaks japanese. She is the person that says 'ne' the most that i have ever heard (i know that sentence doesnt make sense but i couldnt think of how to phrase it, sorry). 'something something something, NE???????????? something something...NE??????? neeEEE???????' gauhteputuhus.

tomorrow is the rice harvesting thing. Its gunna be sooooo hot. And you're supposed to wear long sleeved stuff and hwat not. I am gunna die.

I just need to get out of here. I understand that culture shock is a temporary thing, but my personal problem is serious and I need to take care of it.