relationships
Masturbation. When you feel the need to release some sexual tension, it's there. You don't worry about getting pregnant or an STD, and you can do it anywhere. Once you reach orgasm it's like a whole new world opens up. You work hard to make it last for longer than a few seconds, seeing what new toys you can use. But when it's over, you're all alone. Left hollow and swollen, all to yourself. Is that really the picture of what sexual actions should end up being?
Sexuality between the sexes. There are boys and girls who are more promiscuous than others. Some are quite content to hold hands, others want a make-out session on the couch. It's just how it goes... And unfortunately when one is awakened to their own sexuality, and subsequently the opposite sex's sexuality, the tension becomes greater and greater.
Love for sale.
My story is a simple one... Ish. I was born and raised in a family that valued individuality and purity. I was the oldest child, so I got into trouble a lot for exploring things I shouldn't explore and consequently being irresponsible. I turned to boys around 8th grade. They were exciting and different and they told me I looked pretty! Nothing serious happened except that I'd sneak out to hold hands with my boyfriend of age 16 that no one knew about... or I'd sat on a boys lap while wading around in a pool at a swim meet... Nothing major. Though I felt something brewing.
With each step you take closer to a member of the opposite sex and have sexual things on your mind, that's two steps backward in your self-love and purity.
Eighteen and a half. I was struggling in school, getting bored with my community college antics... I wasn't having any fun, just work and school and swimming at 5 in the morning. It was a routine I wanted to kick. Until I met some college kids at a local church. Harmless right? One of them, we'll call him Brad, was the one who got me started going. He was a friend of a friend and a pretty nice guy... After hanging out in a group setting just once, he asked me out on a date. Desperate for some semi-normal attention from a "good" guy, I immediately jumped the gun and took it as dating, not just a date. My mistake completely. I barely knew him! And he me! It was not how things should have gone...
But, without officially dating, we got physically close. At first it was just sitting next to eachother at the Super Bowl, or him grabbing my knee when we drove back home. Harmless, right? No. We broke up over some dumb stuff he'd said to a co-worker, and I thought he was out of my life forever. This kid didn't give up. We became friends again and not even a week into being friends we begin to flirt again. Alls harmless right? No. A few hugs. A few random holding hands. Oh, and a few kisses on the face, the neck, the ears, the arms... It got intense. I told him I didn't want any kisses on the lips cause I wanted to save that for when I got married.
About this time, I started with Masturbation. I don't even know how it started! I think I was YouTubing some Lesbian stuff... I just started doing it and what do you know. That's what those urges were. That's what those underlying needs were for. Yet every time I did it I felt empty and like crap. Yet I continued to do it.
After Brad and I started to get serious, again, I quit. But I had another outlet. His biggest turn on was sucking on his fingers, weird right? But it would turn him on so much that he'd start kissing my ears and licking my ears and as gross as that sounds it's down right amazing. There were a few times he'd felt up my whole leg almost, while I was wearing jeans, and almost gave me a hicky on several occassions. Sometimes he'd become what seemed like a completely different person and it scared me as he'd stroke my cheek, then my arms, then my stomach, etc... Then he'd stop and I'd pray it was one of those things that was a once in a lifetime deal. And yet I liked it. No, I loved it. I begged for more.
One such morning I begged for more... It was Sunday, raining, dreary. He had been out of town all weekend visiting his brand new neice in Texas. I had missed him so much and I was struggling with studying for Finals that May so I had to see him. He said he wasn't going to church though, but I should stop by his house before I went. So I left early enough to see him for awhile. He was fast asleep. The only one in his house. At first I sat on the edge of the bed, but then he asked me to lay down beside him, spooning I guess. I ended up skipping church and staying with him for a very very long time. I don't know how it even happened, but somehow I got to be straddling him as he laid down... He started moving his pelvis, joking I guess, but then liking it. It's called dry humping for those of you who don't know. We had 5 layers between us, but I could feel it all.
I won't forget him saying, "Go Baby, go Baby, go!" as we were humping... It felt so good. I even orgasmed. And then when it was done I laid down on his chest and he told me over and over again how much he loved me. He folded over my tank top so he could see my stomach, and almost folded it over the whole way so he could see my bra. But didn't... I finally left, because I had to.
We were so obsessed with sex. We talked about it. We joked about it. We thought we were getting married so what was the harm? Looking back, it was only inevitable that Sunday morning happened.
And needless to say, I got caught. My parents some how found out I wasn't at church and knew that Brad and I had broken some rules, though they didn't know what rules we'd broken.
I felt dirty. Slutty. Trampy. Worthless. Ashamed. Guilty. Any synonym you can think of. The girl who'd been raised to be pure and be presented to her Future Husband as such was just a whore. Who was begging for that satisfaction. And why? What need was there?!
I'd like to say I figured it out, well I have actually. It's about putting God as our need for satisfaction and love. He's our free love! All we do is give of ourselves, our bodies. And yet, it's so hard.
I've failed everyone around me. I turn to God and then masturbate. This whole summer I've done that. I feel so horrible inside when I'm done! Yet I continue...
The other night I almost made out with Brad. Why? Maybe I'm emotional. Maybe I'm just trying to insert him into my life because he's not perfect. God is perfect and he's capable of taking care of me no matter what. Brad, on the other hand, just wants my boobs. He's imperfect and stumbles and I can blame him for my problems. But with God, there is no temption that can seize me. If I just give him control...
