aj just told me he "wants me back" for want of a better phrase

im not entirely sure how i feel about that...

let me start from the beginning

sunday

hadnt heard from aj pretty much all day. im about to start getting ready for bed so i decide to call him while i do that. he doesnt pick up. strange. oh well, i get snuggled up in my covers and call beccabooskii for our nightly phone call. we get to talking about how i feel as if i might be falling in love with aj and how im on edge everytime he "disappears" on me [like when hes drawing someone or not by his phone or something] and it drives me crazy because hes all i ever thought about and i cared so much about him that if anything were to happen to him it would hurt me deeply. i just wanted to be there for him. to be his. you know how it goes. anyway, we both decided that it shouldnt be becca that i should be saying all that too but rather aj. so i called him again.

he picks up. i tell him and he COMPLETELY misunderstands me. like in every possible way shape or form. i told him that i loved him and all i wanted was one simple reassurance that he loved me too then we could walk off into the sunset together and he thought i was somehow questioning his love for me, or insinuating that he was just a kid who didnt know how he felt or what he wanted from life. he got really upset and got off the phone. i kept on coercing him into calling me until he did so. then i explained to him that id never experienced such unconditional love before and i was just SCARED [yes i admitted to being AFRAID] that he was just going to wake up one day and change his mind. then id be crushed. he told me:

"well i think i just did"

and hung up

when i tell you i have never cried so much in my life i mean it.

the whole night

i just sat on the couch in my living room staring at the phone thinking that he was somehow just going to realize what i had been trying to tell him and call me to straighten things out

didnt happen

next thing i know its 2 in the afternoon

no sleep

monday

monday i spent pretty much begging aj not to just let things go over such a misunderstanding. he rejected me and told me maybe we could hold off until he moved to orlando for college

next year

devastated

thats what i was

didnt think it was possible to cry anymore

it happened anyway

tuesday

i kept telling myself over and over again that he didnt love me

regardless if it was the truth or not

i felt such overwhelming guilt that i hadnt treasured every time he told me he loved me. every time i joked when he was trying to be serious. it was killing me.

by telling myself he didnt care i hoped to desensitize myself and make myself get over him

it didnt work

i even went as far as to try to reach out to my mum. i told her "mum my heart... its breaking" she told me "dont even try to talk to me about that. whatever it was it wasnt love. its not possible. you know that i hate that you think youre gay."

no more tears that night

it stung my eyes way too much and i kept losing my contacts

wednesday

see blog #1

thursday

he tells me he wants me back

just when i was starting to heal [not really]

what the hell am i supposed to say

OFCOURSE i still love him

im even still IN love with him, but im scared. what are things going to be like now? if i decide to try and forget the past couple of days and be his again will things be the same? strained? will i still be able to kiss him? or let him hold me? and whats going to happen after the summer is over and we both go to school

its love but... but is it worth it?