After a few years of extreme turmoil and the introduction of an incurable, degenerative disease, I have finally turned back to antidepressants. Got buproprion this round – a few weeks in but at least the non-stop loop of suicidal ideation has subsided. I feel guilt for not being able to make myself not feel like dying so much of the time – but I’m doing what I can. I got access to the ADs on a regular, medication refill to my PCP. He asked the right question to let me give a vague answer so he could help me start to dig myself out of this hole. The feelings of worthlessness and despair were not things I could fight any longer. So yeah – I feel both guilty and relieved at the same time.
In the meantime, there is awkwardness as I communicate with him about my status and how much to tweek the medication amount. I am so grateful that he will communicate via the portal – if I had to talk about this in person right now, I would probably vomit.
Life is complicated, and I am not sure if I am worthy of it – but I am hanging on for my child because she deserves a chance.
I am afraid to look back at the few, but desperate, posts I have put here in the last couple of years. My whole being is fraught with anxiety, guilt, judgment, and a desire to not be the person I am.