There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. -- William Shakespeare


Coming Out of Darkness

After a few years of extreme turmoil and the introduction of an incurable, degenerative disease, I have finally turned back to antidepressants. Got buproprion this round – a few weeks in but at least the non-stop loop of suicidal ideation has subsided. I feel guilt for not being able to make myself not feel like dying so much of the time – but I’m doing what I can. I got access to the ADs on a regular, medication refill to my PCP. He asked the right question to let me give a vague answer so he could help me start to dig myself out of this hole. The feelings of worthlessness and despair were not things I could fight any longer. So yeah – I feel both guilty and relieved at the same time. 


In the meantime, there is awkwardness as I communicate with him about my status and how much to tweek the medication amount. I am so grateful that he will communicate via the portal – if I had to talk about this in person right now, I would probably vomit.


Life is complicated, and I am not sure if I am worthy of it – but I am hanging on for my child because she deserves a chance. 


I am afraid to look back at the few, but desperate, posts I have put here in the last couple of years. My whole being is fraught with anxiety, guilt, judgment, and a desire to not be the person I am. 




weesaul on
Re: Coming Out of Darkness

Thou art worthy for thou art a Chosen One...

And thou art going to remain a resident of this earthly realm for I hath many more Christmas cards to send thee planned…

Many more…

A whole big heapin’ stack of them…


So it is written, so shall it be...

eris on
Re: Coming Out of Darkness

Alas – my reciprocal cards have lagged and dwindled down to wishful thinking. I do have boxes (upon boxes) of beautifully designed cards in the box under my bed. I keep thinking that someday, someday I will catch up!


Someday I want to be who I was again, and I know that backwards looking only gets one struck into a pillar of salt so I suppose the only way out is through and whoever I become in the end will have to do.

walrus on
Re: Coming Out of Darkness

I have no cure for your illnesses but wish you well in your desire not to be the person you are. Changing yourself is easier than changing reality but still pretty difficult, I hope the antidepressant works.


Take care


chri on
Re: Coming Out of Darkness

as a fellow AD dependent. ...   I hope you're doing better.  I go in and out of the darkness.  not sure if I can call that progress from my permanently dark days.  cuz every time i slide back into the abyss...  its almost like a confirmation that things cant change.

one day at a time i guess.


 i hope you can be kinder to yourself.  go easier on yourself.    its a huge battle, you dont need to add more to what you struggle with.

i know we dont know each other but i wish you the best and brighter days ahead of u.  hugs.  


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